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Dear Dr. Betty,

I just can't work out if I'm on the right or wrong track here.... I'm 42, and have been with my current boyfriend for a year (after a 20-year marriage). Unlike with my ex-husband, I feel this fantastic sexual charge with the boyfriend, BUT ever since i've been with him I've found it difficult to come. With my ex I felt no sexual charge at all but could come quite easily through clitoral stimulation during sex with him. I think (having had a year to ponder on the irony of this) that sex with the ex was a bit furtive and naughty because it never felt right, and for some reason that meant I could come (sort of like guilty teenage masturbation), whereas with this fabulous new bloke who makes me weak with desire I feel I OUGHT to be having fantastic orgasms, so I'm not.

ANYWAY, I've taken to rationing myself so that I only allow myself to try and come once or twice a week, the theory being that the longer I wait for it the more turned on I'm going to get, and the likelier I am to come (out of sheer desperation!). If I masturbate, I feel guilty because I've used up some of my precious sex energy, and I worry there won't be enough left. If I try to come during a sex session and I've already come within the past day or so I just know it's not going to work.

On the other hand, I wonder if this is totally the wrong approach -- am I teaching my body NOT to have orgasms by denying myself? IS sexual energy finite? I'd be so grateful for your thoughts.

Dear K,

Yup! You are definitely on the wrong track here. I'm not sure I understand you but if clitoral stimulation with your ex worked, I suggest you try it again with the new boyfriend. All that "thinking" and "speculating" about: "sex with the ex was a bit furtive and naughty because it never felt right, and for some reason that meant I could come (sort of like guilty teenage masturbation), whereas with this fabulous new bloke who makes me weak with desire I feel I OUGHT to be having fantastic orgasms, so I'm not."

You just answered you own question. How we masturbate is what we want to include when we have sex with our partner. Never trash teenage masturbation, but do let go of the guilt. I have a sense that you are probably trying to have vaginal orgasms with Mr. Right. Next time he's penetrating your vagina, just reach down and stimulate your clitoris at the same time. Check our our new "Sexual Skill Series" and download a few for visual information on how to do this. And don't ration sex. Orgasmic sex begets more orgasmic sex.

Dr. Betty