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Hello Betty and Carlin.

This is kind of hard to ask, hard to put into words on a computer screen with out feeling kind of foolish, but I am asking because I'd like the advise of some one who might be able to help or know where I can get help.

I am 27 years old and I have never had penetrative sex. Not because I haven't tried. oh! I have! I can only get so far... well not very far at all. I can't even fit the head of my boyfriend's penis. I can fit one of his fingers, some times two if I am really lucky. Trying to fit his penis is VERY painful for me, and the more painful it gets the tighter I clamp up no matter how I try not to and eventually it becomes uncomfortable for him to try too. One previous boyfriend asked me if I had the right spot. I smacked him. Of course I know the right damn spot. I've never felt afraid to explore my body.

So if I can fit my fingers in, if I can fit his fingers in, I can't figure out why I can't even fit the head of his penis. It's very frustrating. We have lots of fun otherwise, but I feel like I am missing out on another whole world of sex because I can't fit his penis. *sigh* We have been trying for three years.

I have an appointment with a gynecologist in February because when I told my doctor he said I should see some one about this. I don't know if my problem is physical or mental. I know I haven't been comfortable enough with anyone else to get this far to even attempt penetrative sex with them. All the other guys I have dated were clearly only after the sex and I couldn't bring myself to sleep with a man who didn't respect me enough to listen to my wants and needs let alone a man who only saw me as a means to an end. I finally found a man who does respect and listen to me and I discover this problem. You can imagine the frustration I am sure.

Do you have any idea what might help me? Any advise is very much appreciated.

Thank you for your time and for reading this.

- M

Dear M,

It sounds to me as though you might be dealing with a stubborn hymen that might be especially thick. Get back to me after you've seen your doctor. If that's the case, he will simply surgically open the entrance to your vagina which is a minor procedure.

You can Google hymen and read all about it. Some women open theirs through sports or by using a tampon but others, like yourself have more difficulty. It's not a big deal unless you need to prove you are a virgin. Then it matters way too much.

Dr. Betty