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These are some of the responses I received after penning my essay Fucking Like a Feminist where I posed the question: What does fucking like a feminist mean to you?

For me, "fucking like a feminist" means expressing my true self within and through my eroticism -- allowing myself to explore and experience the pleasure of my body; taking responsibility for my experience and my choices; freely exploring and/or adopting any style, role and/or activity that appeals to me (submissive or dominant; playful or romantic; voluntary celibacy or polymorphous experimentation, etc.) and my partners, with partners of my own choosing and honoring the same freedom of self discovery and self expression for others.

As Madonna sang, "I ain't your Bitch; don't put your chains on me."

For me, "fucking like a feminist" is the manifestation of personal empowerment, personal responsibility, and personal integrity, respect for the complexity of self and others in the arena of eroticism. It is a natural, balanced integration of erotic self within one's whole sense of self.

It is freedom from rules and roles set by others in order to discover and be true to my own nature, within a framework that is also respectful of others. "Fucking like a feminist" is fundamentally, exquisitely personal and relational, and it is also coincidentally, and unavoidably political.

ps. There was an interesting study, published in Journal of Sex Research a few years ago, that suggested people don't like non-romantic (animalistic) descriptions of sex because those descriptions remind them of their own animal nature and consequently of their own mortality. This, I suspect, is why many people don't like the word 'fucking' -- it alludes to unvarnished sex; reproductive sex; penis and vagina sex; animalistic sex. For me, the word fucking is more neutral than that. It's like a blank canvas. We only know what kind of fucking we are talking about once the people who are doing the fucking have splashed THEIR colors onto the canvas. The verb "fucking" refers to the external manifestation of raw, animalistic feelings, which are shaped into a noun by the choices of the artist. Maybe sculpture is the more apt metaphor for sex - each turn, each subtle and not so subtle placement of the sculptor's hands and tools; the artist's concept, insight and training. Even mundane factors such as weather, timing, and relative sizes contribute to the eventual shape of the final physical reality and the ultimate emotional power or interpretation of the event.

Vena Blanchard

 

Betty -

Here's to YOU and ME at almost 80! I LOVE your essay - but I hope you will recognize that some of your classy language will alienate some women MOST in need of your message.

I want to link you to our new Consortium website on Sexuality and Aging - but I recognize that your "fucking" terminology will turn MANY seniors OFF - before they get your message. Is the provocative language important? OR, could you develop messages less threatening and more accessible to people our age - and younger/older!

XX Peggy Brick

 

Dear Betty,

In answer to your question, the first thing that popped into my head was, "who gives a shit." I mean really, maybe its just because I live in back water Seattle, but I am 47 years old which is to say, old enough to know about feminism and all its chapters. My mom was a very active feminist and I grew up among the first males to be affected having mothers that were feminists. And I am very grateful for their work, their sacrifice and for the qualities I get to enjoy about being a man that would have been harder to actualize if those messages weren't there for me from my feminist mother and the feminist movement in general as I became an adult.

But really, I don't think men and women five years younger than me care. And that's people in their early 40's on down. I don't know or see what other people say, but I bet the question of the hour is, "What does it mean to fuck like a woman?" Pure and simple. Its not that we are all enlightened beings now thanks to feminism. Problems and inequalities abound as ever. But the sexual gender politics are so different now.

Let me know if I'm full of shit.

Congratulations on your arrival at the next chapter in the journey of life. I hope you are still drawing. Your latest work is so inspiring. there is no other woman in the history art that could draw well who had the freedom and the opportunity and good health to say something in a visual art form. And on top of that you have something to say. Your observations about people and sex simply must get out. I hope you have some time and energy for what I feel is going to be your lasting legacy, your drawings of the beauty and majesty of sex.

Just my two cents.
Yours,
Jeff

 

Hey Betty,

Great to hear from you. Merry Masturbation Month! Awesome essay! Very historically informative, strong and direct. To me, fucking like a feminist means doing it for the pleasure, not from the pressure.
I've just started a new feminist, sexy, sex-positive online community: BonoboWay.com. It's by invitation -only, and I'm sending you an invitation after this. Please take a moment to join and feel free to post links to your site(s) - and please post this wonderful essay! And congratulations on entering your 80th year with such panache. You're my role model, as always.

Much love
Suzy Block

Wonderful piece of writing. Thanks. I'd replace the word monogamous with sexually exclusive, as monogamous only means "married to one person," and says nothing about the assumed sexual exclusivity. In fact, I rarely use the word monogamous.
Oh, by the way, do you know about J-Lube? It's simply the best lubricant around. And, the least expensive. A 10 ounce bottle of powder makes 10 gallons of lube. It's basically a veterinary lubricant for cattle insemination. http://www.jefferslivestock.com/ssc/product.asp?CID=2&mscssid=NMBKES1XWT...

Stay wet.
David
--
David S. Hersh, Ed.D.
Clinical Sexologist

A Feminist Fucks Like a Woman!

Bravo! Great essay, Betty. I too was there and active during the early days of feminism in the late ‘60's, early ‘70's, and was blessed to have experienced the early direction of sexual self-right for women. I learned how to have an orgasm through the diagrams of our genitals and the clitoris by reading the very first publication of "Our Bodies, Our Selves", printed on newsprint paper, which I still have! Never before had I even known about the clitoris...and I was 19 and had been having intercourse with my boyfriend for a year! I left the movement a couple of years later because of the very anti-sex, anti-men direction I saw it taking, just like you write about. The rest is all history...my history, that is. I'll think about how to answer your question.

Joanna Whitcup

 

Dear Betty,

Congratulations on your site with Carlin. It sounds daring and intriguing. And I love your breakdown of the ‘youth of old age', and the middle," etc ....great way to see it. You continue to break new ground!

Love, Candice

 

Dear Betty,

What a great question..and what a wonderful article. I'd like to respond briefly, if I may...As it happens I was recently involved in a rather heated e-mail exchange with a woman claiming to be a student at Amsterdam University who calls herself a feminist [" militant and unapologetic " ] and who really believes the Female Eunuch and the men are sexists, marriage is rape..yada yada of what I call the 2nd Wave Feminists...she totally eschews the writings of Camilla Paglia...and her thoughts about yours truly, the ex-gigolo are even more negative.

She wrote me that she didn't need men per se..since she had her own money, a good job and her apartment. I asked her to remember that bank statements do not keep you warm at night..that companionship and sexual intimacy were far more valuable and essential to happiness than material comforts...and my question to her was..did she not think that women adapting male symbols of status and power to define themselves...pursuing only the shallowest of sexual relationships..or " using the opposite sex to masturbate with" ..and calling that feminism was a misnomer? Shouldn't that kind of behaviour, wherein women assume the values and behaviour codes of males rightly be called " masculinism" not feminism?

Suffice it to say all that did was upset her greatly and cause quite a backlash. The dust had just about settled when your question arrived in the inbox. And so to your question: What is fucking like a feminist? In 1995 I took part in the notorious Lady's Sunday in The Red Light experiment, organized in Amsterdam by Mariska Majoor, founder of the Prostitution Information Center located in the heart of the city's " wallen" or red light area. In that experiment I and several other "studly" males took our turns behind the famous "windows" where the working girls normally sit advertising their charms to passers-by.

The object was to see if women customers would patronize male "hookers" [escorts] in the same way the men patronize the females..which is to say...window shop for a suitable partner to have [hopefully] guilt-free, risk-free sex with for a price. The answer was a resounding "Yes!" In fact interest and demand by the women seeking such a convenient service was so great it caused an uproar and the horse-mounted police were eventually called to break up the crowd and halt the experiment. I personally had three women, and an "undercover" reporter from a national magazine as clients that day. All of them expressed a certain degree of joy and relief that a day had finally arrived where they could enjoy the same type of service in the same way that men had for centuries. It felt liberating...it was a way of claiming sexual parity of a sort with the men folk. So I believe an argument could be made that, on that July day in 1995, at least, I and my clients fucked like "feminists."

On a more domestic note...I have had the privilege of partnering with Cora for nigh on 12 years now. We've had our ups and downs, ins and outs and our testosterone vs. estrogen incidents, our classic confrontations with stereo-types and stereo-typical man-woman issues. I have to tell you in sex as in all other spheres, I have learned that it is never a matter of always getting it my way or her way or adhering to some dogmatic view of an " ism". Our relationship is equal in the way that Yin and Yang are equal...and that is what keeps it flowing. There are some things that Cora is inherently better at, more familiar with or stronger in than I am...and Vice-Versa. Some days she's on top, other days it's me...if you know what I mean.

She is not a feminist in the classic sense, although she is quite a powerful, successful person in her own right. I am not a male chauvinist pig nor am I an Alan Alda feminist. We tend to think of ourselves as humanists and that is where we should concentrate our thoughts and energies instead of dividing people into feminists, non-feminists, traditionalists, militants, 3rd generation, yada yada or Neo-what-evers into unifying under the banner of Humanism. That is one of the few labels that do not divide us and one of the best ways to express the ideal that of course men and women are equal. That doesn't make us identical and it doesn't mean that men and women have to behave identically in order to be on the same sexual level. And frankly, I like having sex with humans..y'know..the ones with all the curves and wiggly bits...I love to hear their squeals of pleasure, the way they smell and move and taste. Does that make me a sexist?

Anyway, one last thought that came to me...I do not know who said it first but I do remember a conversation with a few girls in the band Rockbitch....very much along the lines of your article, and relating to your question. What is fucking like a feminist. Answer: "Using a condom." Again I thank you for being you, for having been so brave and so honest and for keeping it real all these years. And congratulations on your wonderfully "human" relationship with Carlin. GOOD FOR BOTH OF YOU!

Sincerely, with Hugz
Shai

 

Hi Betty,

Good to hear from you! Great essay. What a role model you are! Alive and kicking, way to go.

I never call myself a feminist although others who seem to have truble putting me under some sort of label, do. A friend of mine Galitta Tassa, a power-woman in her own right, calls herself a womanist. Just so she can get rid of the stigma being associated with feminism. It might have started out right, with the best of intentions, but my goodness either we are not finished yet or on the wrong path all together. I like to see myself as a liberated woman. What that I mean that I don't hold anybody else responsible for my actions. I am equally responsible as my man for the sex I have as he is for the sex he has.

I have chosen a man in my life to be my partner whom at the time I thought was very arrogant and macho. He had been in two armies, was a gigolo for women for 7 years and had very strong views about just about everything. We fell in love. Arrogant man can be very attractive...No kidding, I fell in love because underneath it all I recognized the man of my dreams. So we live, love, fight, have sex, work, dance, sing and do practically almost everything together for 12 years now and even though it has not always been easy on both of us, we learned to harmonize over the years. And sex plays a very important role in that. What I see with modern women is that they don't make time for sex. There is always something more important, be it work, the children, the house, the garden, shopping or whatever they think they have to do or to have before they are happy to relax. We live in a consumer driven society. Feminism might have given women the power to earn their own money but is still hasn't given them the power over their own lives. Money can't buy you love. Finding the time to make love, either with each other or on our own is definitely a way that keeps us together. Sex keeps us loving, emphatic, healthy, smart, active, and creative all in one. I can highly recommend it.

That brings me to my clit. Like most girls I only masturbated my clit and did not feel compelled for the longest time to stick anything in my vagina. That only came later when I had started menstruating. After having satisfied my curiosity I was not interested in it as a way of selfloving. An orgasm from stimulating my clit felt much more intense and I did not reach orgasm from inserting something in my vagina. I still don't like to stick objects in my vagina, although out of professional interest I tried over and over again. Why do these other women like it? I do like to fuck, with a life human being, a man. With a man it all makes sense what I feel inside. The rubbing of my G-spot and the deep thrust touching my A-spot, the feeling of connectedness with another human being, until I get that other orgasm that is somehow touching rock-bottom, my inner core, it fulfills me totally. But why make a differentiation between orgasms? I love every one of them. To make one orgasm more political correct then another is just a mindfuck you can choose to engage in or not.
As a liberated woman I choose the way how I want to surrender and to whom or what. Be it myself, a man or the cosmos. Free to be me. Thanks for asking me the question!

With love,
Cora Emens

 

I loved the ‘fucking like a feminist' email... I hope it was ok I forwarded it on to a few close women involved in my Awakening Within retreats. Bec replied with her feelings on this...

Fucking like a feminist in 2008 has been revolutionized by the strong women of the past decades. Only now is it accepted that women have the right to, and enjoy, sexual pleasure. Endless supply of vibrators and toys, beautiful lingerie and costumes, articles and open journals, porn made for women by women downloaded straight to your ipod, only a click away! It is incredibly powerful and freeing to know that today anytime, anywhere I can experience pleasure. Be it sitting on a train with my ipod, in a park with my laptop, at lunch with friends or with a vibrating egg at work:) Fucking like a feminist means experiencing my entire capacity for sexual pleasure with whomever or whatever I choose, with the absolute knowing that it is my right as a woman to fuck as much as I like! My body is beautiful and capable of feeling the most incredible sensations and I plan to access that as much as I can. The biggest state of excitation is to know I can do so all day, everyday for the rest of my life (if I so choose). I love technology!

Bec from Australia

 

BAD's response:

At thirty-five I became a gay divorce and embarked on my first phase of fucking like a feminist. My post-marital lover and I embraced America's sexual revolution to explore sex in every conceivable combination. I eventually became a feminist activist dedicated to sharing information about women's bodies, orgasms, and relationships through my art, books, articles, lectures, workshops and DVD's. The new website explores women's relationship to sex, money, and power to advance the ways we create, love, govern, and raise the next generation.

Fucking like a feminist is a woman who enjoys sex and orgasms on her own terms with whomever she chooses in the lifestyle that interests her. This would include romantic sex, marital sex, casual sex, and professional sex, as well as sex with herself or celibacy. She also has the ability to safely explore a range of sexual activities that interest her.