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Recently, I received the following question:

“Dr. Betty, in the book The Multi-orgasmic Woman, it says that the use of a vibrator can desensitize the clitoris so that it might become harder for some women to achieve orgasm by touch or oral. What do you think? It's curious because on that same page, they recommend your book Sex for One which I've underlined for 4 years, but only just found your website recently.”

In my professional opinion, "desensitize" is the wrong word. A more accurate statement would be: “A vibrator used correctly will sensitize a clitoris.”

At long last, women can plumb the depths of their orgasmic capacity which is VAST indeed! In order to do that, we need the strong consistent stimulation of an electric or battery driven vibrator that’s under our control to discover how many orgasms we're capable of enjoying. After four decades of teaching masturbation skills in my Bodysex workshops for women only, I’ve come to the conclusion that women are bottomless pits of orgasmic pleasures that can go on and on. The longest lasting masturbation circle went past the three hour mark!

The "Male Model" of sexual response that is still universal has kept many women on what I’d call, "The Orgasm Starvation Diet." Generally speaking, those few minutes of manual or oral clitoral stimulation followed by another few minutes of vaginal penetration is over just when it’s beginning to feel good for us. That’s when a clever woman will quickly finish herself off while he goes to the bathroom or wait until he leaves to get out her vibrator. At that point most women agree that “fucking is foreplay for masturbation.”

Many couples are beginning to realize that partner sex can be mutually orgasmic when she includes her vibrator during intercourse. While finger and tongue action on her clitoris can feel nice, if her lover is intent on making her come first, it creates performance anxiety when she feels pressured to orgasm. Another problem is when she gets sexually excited; his clitoral pressure becomes too strong and she has to stop him. Oral sex has its own set of problems. Most women are convinced we are taking too long to come, so we’ll fake an orgasm to end our discomfort as well as protecting his ego by affirming his  "good lover" status.

Today, the electric vibrator is shaking up myths about female sexuality. We are told that once we fall in love and enter into a monogamous marriage, we’ll have a lifetime of passionate orgasmic sex. That’s rarely true. It’s time we acknowledge the large number of committed relationships that are enhanced when a vibrator enters the bedroom. Most men like vibrators as well as women— less work for Daddy. Everyone in the family is better off once she becomes an orgasmic wife and sex positive mother who’s less likely to prohibit childhood masturbation and raise sexually healthy children.

Nearly every one of my pre-orgasmic clients have never masturbated as a child. That’s the beginning of sexual repression. Childhood masturbation is our first natural sexual activity. The sad part is the number of parents who deny children their sexual feelings. Instead of this ridiculous repression, we need to accept that a child’s self-exploration is establishing the nerve pathways that connect the positive sensations in our genitals to the pleasure center in our brains. When we leave our children alone, they will automatically discover these happy sexual sensations.

With a huge population of pre-orgasmic women, scientists continue to search for a female sex pill that will enable us to climax within six minutes. They’ve never consulted women to discover that most of us long for slow sensuous fucking that would last an hour, or at least twenty minutes. Instead they want us to match the male model of fast ejaculations. I believe the current national average of thrusting after vaginal penetration is between four to six minutes, up from Kinsey’s two and a half minutes in the forties and fifties. This demonstrates that most of the world is having tension orgasms, a rapid assent to a quick burst of energy that’s really not all that satisfying.

All orgasms involve building up tension and releasing it. Coming up to an orgasm and then backing off a few times allows our sex energy to increase in intensity and creates a more meaningful experience. For clarity, let me state there is no such thing as having a "wrong" kind of orgasm. They're all good; it's just that some feel better than others. Also orgasms can change throughout our lifetime, and for some, they never vary, which might be viewed as a limitation based upon the absence of any sexual curiosity or experimentation.

As you can see, we rarely discuss the quality of orgasms that result from different kinds of stimulation under various circumstances such as age, solo, with another person, a beloved, or in a group. Poets as well as many authors mostly focus on romantic emotions about some kind of mysterious "love" that we are willing to die for, or to kill for, or to suffer endlessly when we can't find it or we’ve lost it. That’s a serious problem for any kind of sexual growth in my opinion. We must balance our emotions with intellect and knowledge. When it comes to different kinds of sex techniques that might enhance pleasure alone or with a partner, many people including professionals draw a blank. A few search for “tips” but that’s not going to get it. We need in-depth sex information and education that includes pleasure in order to sexually grow and thrive.

At this point, I'd like to acknowledge an exceptional book that’s been very enlightening for me: The Technology of Orgasm: "Hysteria," the Vibrator, and Women's Sexual Satisfaction" By Rachael P. Maines. She became a friend and colleague during the making of her DVD, "Passion and Pleasure" where she acknowledged me as the feminst who re-introduced the electric vibrator after it disappeared from use in the twenties.

In her opening chapter: “The Androcentric Model of Sexuality,” prompted me tol use the term, “The Male Model of Sex” for clarity. Back in the seventies, I called this same dynamic, “The Cock in the Hole.” Some might use the term, “Patriarchal Sex.” The following excerpt is from the jacket cover of her book: "When marital sex was unsatisfying and masturbation discouraged or forbidden, female sexuality, I suggest, asserted itself through one of few acceptable outlets: the symptoms of the hysteroneurasthenic disorders." Hysteria was a common illness for Victiorian women. In plain English, when a wife got fucked by her husband, it produced a degree of arousal, but never ended in orgasm. I believe it was Virginia Johnson, the better half of Masters and Johnson, who claimed that it could take up to ten hours for sexual tumescence to subside. This tumescence is similar to what men call "blue balls" which is an ache in their testicles from being sexually aroused without ejaculation. We've recently discovered women also get erections when the internal clitoris fills up with blood. So women can also experience a similar ache or discomfort until her pelvic area returns to normal. I say, Fuck Blue Balls! How about Blue Clits?

Rachael describes the cure for “hysteroneurasthenic disorder” or “blue clits” was going to a doctor and getting a clitoral massage to orgasm. It was his was during this time that a doctor invented the first vibrator. It would reduce the time required to give a woman her orgasm and increase the number of his patients. Talk about a cash cow! I’ve continued this tradition except for one BIG difference; I teach women how to give themselves orgasm with the best use of an electric or battery operated vibrator for clitoral stimulation. At the same time, I include vaginal penetration while incorporating the PC muscle that will enhance sex for both her and her partner. As with all bodily processes or any mechanical devices, we all need to learn a few basic skills.

Far too many girls and women put a vibrator directly on a cold clitoris and apply pressure to "feel more" but the opposite happens. She either has a fast tension orgasm or ends up with a hyper sensitive clitoris that becomes too painful for further stimulation. After waiting a few moments, she can go again by adding additional lubrication with organic oil. To also needs to signal her body that she wants to keep going by rocking her pelvis, working her PC muscle and breathing fully as she gently moves the vibrator near and around her clitoris, not directly on it.

Another approach to vibrator use is not getting accustomed to any one type of stimulation. Women who are relating to male partners keep mixing it up so they can still enjoy manual and oral sex with their lovers along with using a vibrator. Let’s face it— the objective for most men as well as some lesbians is to GIVE their lover an orgasm. My constant refrain is that we are each responsible for our own orgasms. Once that takes place, we can enjoy the erotic dance of love as whole individuals instead of being half of a pair.

Who's to say that having orgasms from childhood on up with a vibrator is a bad thing? Many girls and boys have found Mom's vibrator and played with it at a young age. Or they discover their Mickey Mouse electric tooth brush feels good when they put it on their "clitoris" or “penis.” The truth is that vibrators are here to stay, so I suggest we learn how to best use them so we can enjoy better orgasms.

Although I’ve sometimes been viewed as a “professional masturbator,” no one can accuse me of avoiding “intimacy.” Not after a lifetime of being intimate with the world at large by speaking personally about my own sexlife. Too often the definition of “intimacy” is limited to having a long term monogamous lover or spouse. My definition of sexual intimacy begins with each individual’s ability to enjoy their own orgasms with masturbation before including another person or many others. How we make love to ourselves is what we bring to partner sex. It’s time to move beyond the Male Model of Sex to include the Female Model and accommodate women’s ability to have many orgasms with or without a vibrator.

Or how about a compromise? One month it’s his preferred kind of sex. The next month it’s her turn. Instead of seeing every sex act as proof of her femininity or his masculinity, why not become more playful and turn partnersex into a game? The biggest thing missing from so many sex lives is playfulness, laughter and having fun. After all, sex can be a form of adult play. Today, there are many workshops available for singles and couples who can enjoy weekend activities that will inspire them to go beyond those tired old standard routines. Adult sex education is currently thriving throughout many parts of the world.

When it comes to sex, let’s see if we can store up a wealth of good, bad, and indifferent memories. Experience more sexual happiness and fulfillment with the creative process leading the way. We can make a promise to share more of ourselves by having conversations about sexual activity; what we experienced, what we liked and what didn’t work. Explore a few fantasies that intrigue you. Keep a sexual journal. Try out everything new on yourself with masturbation first before sharing it with your partner(s). Browse a sex shop or go online and check out the latest toys. Have a few favorite websites for the latest sex information. Share some of your new discoveries. Orgasmic sex and pleasure is a bold new frontier. Let's explore it together.