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Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm from Germany, I stumpled upon Your webpage some time ago and I liked it very much especially for my further sexual education and understanding of the sexuality of women. Finally I decided to write you some of my questions in hope of Your answer (though You probably have questions/problems more dire to attend to) - well here it is.

My girlfriend never practiced masturbation and self-touching or even examining of her genitals in her childhood and as a teenager (the old "parent-this-is-forbidden-and-girls-dont-have-nothing-down-there-thing").

When we got together it took us some month to have intercourse (after kissing,petting and manual stimulation), but we quickly realized that she wouldnt orgasm from my penetration (nothing too special as i've learned) or me stimulating her with my fingers. That was when I started to try giving her oral sex (which I still like very much :) and via that she could reach her first orgasms (although at first she didnt know what it was :).

The thing was, that it always took quite some time and was -let's say - exhausting for me so after some months I proposed buying and using a vibrator (the thought of making/helping her come with a vibe turned me on PLUS I wanted some easier, less exhausting time during our sex). It worked well and we tried different machines and we continue to use them until now -

BUT I started asking myself, if that would be the ultimate solution, or if we should take some steps back - for example the vibrator just in support of my tongue if that took too long or even that she learned to masturbate and we could get back to manual stimulation...but I dont know whether that would work out for us or if my girlfriend even wanted to take these additional struggles.

She says, that she likes it the way it is right now and I'm also fine with that - but of course I want her to orgasm from me giving her oral or manual sex more often and easier (and I think that could work if she better knew, how her body reacts to certain influences, touches etc.).

What's your opinion on that - is the orgasm-through-vibe the end of it all (especially as she says she doesnt really like to have intercourse after she has her orgasms - and that is usually when I'm really turned on!) or what are ways and options that we could try out?

Best Regards from Germany and many thanks in advance :)

C

Dear C,

Although you didn't give me your ages, I'll guess you are both early 20's. I go into more detail in my e-book "Orgasms for Two". Ideally a young girl would have learned to have orgasms from masturbating in childhood. You have a late starter which does offer some problems. I agree with you about how exhausting it can be to perform oral sex as her only way to orgasm. It somewhat like a job without pay. You were smart to bring in a vibrator to make your sex life more enjoyable with less jaw and neck pain from oral.

But now you want it to have it both ways. To give her an orgasm from your tongue or hand while she's now turned onto her vibrator. My book describes many different ways for couples to share their orgasms. One of my favorites is using my vibrator on my clitoris during vaginal intercourse. So you are sharing her energy with your penis (or fingers) in her vagina while she is controlling her clit stim with her vibe. I call it the best of both worlds. Enjoy.

Dr. Betty

Dear Dr. Betty,

thanks for your quick and helpful response (you must be getting tons of email asking for your opinion:)! I apreciate this very much!

You guessed right about us being in our twenties (I'm 26 while she is 24). And I think You're right about sharing the orgasms, because that is what I was considering the last 2 months already. I have been looking up the Mystic Wand as the toy of choice, because of the variety and strenght it provides without having a chord (with an american plug). Too bad I never saw it at an european shop, so I will have to import it from the U.S., but I think the money will be worth it.

Would You advise my girlfriend to learn to masturbate, although it might take time and nerves (I suggested that several times to her, but she never felt it would "pay off", since she wants me to be involved in her orgasms)?
I will definately show her Your tips for a first orgasm and Your instructions for masturbation AND I will definately have a look at Your "Orgasms for Two" !

Again thank you very much for Your time!

Best Regards,
C

Dear C,

Yes, I'm getting tons of email and it's ones like yours I like best. Germany has the FUN Factory sex toy company. Also the Eroscillator comes in AC current that can be used in Europe. Check out a local sex shop there first. While I can appreciate your girlfriend wants you to give her all her orgasms, just a note of caution. If she is completely dependent upon you for all of them, once again that can turn into a job without pay. OK in the beginning maybe, but not for the long haul. Encourage her to learn on her own and she will be a better sex partner in the long run.

Dr. Betty

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