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Hi Dr. Betty,

I have scoured sex resources for years to figure how to overcome (no pun intended) this particular issue. I am a 24 yr old female and have been having orgasms for as long as I can remember but they have always been by rolling up this lambskin blankey I've had since I was a child into a certain shape, getting on my stomach with it between my legs and rocking against it (with underwear on). It is possible to do this with a pillow too, but it doesn't usually feel as good. This is the first time I have ever actually admitted this to another person or written it down.

I'm extremely open and communicative about sex in every other aspect. I own various vibrators that I've tried with myself and partners that don't really do the trick. I've tried just my own hand and fingers (over underwear and under) and that doesn't do the trick either. Both FEEL good but never seem to produce the earth shattering orgasms I get when I do it the way I am used to. I have been able to reach what seems like small releases though (sometimes inside the vagina and sometimes the clitoris, depending on where I am being stimulated) and I personally call them "mini orgasms" but as I said not earth shattering ones. By earth shattering, I mean I feel INTENSE pelvic contractions. The "mini orgasms" have no involuntary contractions. Not sure if there is a proper terminology.

I hope all this makes sense. As I've said, I've researched for a long time and have never found anything similar to this. I'd really like to have an earth shattering orgasm with a partner because I think it would be an amazing experience to share with another human being but I don't know how. I've also been ashamed to admit to anyone the only way I know how to cum. Other than that I tell me partner everything I like (I even just do it myself, as you recommend) but the same results are never produced.

I've even tried some "relearning" to orgasm techniques by slowly introducing new & different things but they just don't feel as good. Maybe I'm impatient? Maybe I need therapy? Any thoughts on this matter would be so greatly appreciated. I really admire your work.

My Very Best

Dear R,

Any long term habit take time to change. Also focusing on what you're calling "Earth Shattering" orgasms is counter productive. No two orgasms are ever exactly alike and the range for each person naturally varies. You more or less summed up your problem yourself when you stated:

"I've even tried some "relearning" to orgasm techniques by slowly introducing new & different things but they just don't feel as good. Maybe I'm impatient? Maybe I need therapy?"

Yes we are all impatient when we expect to master a skill over night. As far as therapy goes, it never hurts to gain insight into ourselves, but few therapists deal with masturbation techniques. They will tell you what I'm going to say. You need to keep practicing your masturbation. The important addition would be to stop comparing the new ones to the old ones you've had for so long. Sex is an art form and like any skill it must be learned and practiced.

Dr. Betty