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Hi Dr. Betty:

I have been using vibrators on my clit since I was about 20 (before that I was a dedicated squeeze/pressure/tension gal). I'm now 40. Over the years, I find that I have to bear down and apply more and more direct vibration in order to get any sort of stimulation that builds. I'm not after speed of orgasm here, just trying to find a way to get myself off/let a partner get me off. I'm reliably orgasmic - but only with enough firm direct stimulation. I'm the one who holds the vibe tightly and directly against my clit and wishes I could press it tighter - just to have a chance to feel something.

I have tried over and over to use a lighter touch and just let it build slowly, but it seems like there is a threshhold of pressure/vibration below which I have no measurable response. I've set aside the time (a bunch of times) and attempted to spend a nice quiet hour going at it slowly and gently. But when after the first 20-30 minutes I don't feel a damned thing, I get bored. Then I either press down hard with the vibe (old reliable) or I quit. I incorporate vaginal stimulation most of the time, which is nice but not decisive as to whether I orgasm or not.

I'm concerned because as the years have gone on, the level of intensity/pressure that I need in order for orgasm to be even a possibility has increased. I have a few different (quality!) vibrators, but only some of them are intense enough for me - and even those, only on the highest (and uninterrupted - no pulsing) setting.

I am worried that I am gradually no longer going to be responsive to fingers or a tongue - as it is, only the most patient lovers (with the strongest tongues/necks/fingers/wrists - they're down there for a really long time) can get me there. This isn't the way that it always was. Is there some way that I could go back to needing less intense pressure directly on my clit? I've been through your instructions for "first time orgasm", but I get stuck because without the heavy pressure, I just don't get any sort of response to build on.

Dear M,

At 40 your body is changing and will continue to do so especially during and after menopause. So forget those past ways that worked like oral and manual from a partner. Throughout my seventies I had fabulous partner sex using the Magic Wand on the low setting while my beautiful young lover fucked me in a variety of positions. Double penetration, a butt plug in my anus and his lovely penis moving in and out of my well oiled vagina while I held the Wand gently near my clit was a consistent winner for us both. Get my e-book "Orgasms for Two" where I show different positions in partner sex while using a vibrator. Otherwise it's getting rid of the vibrator and practicing for months (?) with manual without any guarantee it will work. I say technology is here to stay.

Using pressure on your clit is a cop out and most likely will numb her out. Keep the vibrator moving and avoid pressing down for more sensation. Instead begin using your pelvic floor muscle while breathing fully and rocking you hips back and forth. The Rock n Roll orgasm is a winner and the PC muscle is the key. Check it out online. Also incorporate some hot fantasies to keep your mind occupied instead of "thinking" about how long it's taking. What's the damn hurry anyway? Personally I have always preferred clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration all at the same time while I cut lose with the dirtiest fantasies I can conjure up. No censorship allowed.

Dr. Betty

Art courtesy of http://magicwandarthistory.tumblr.com/