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Dear Dr.Betty,

I am so glad to have found you website! I am a 24 year old girl from India. We are the land of kamasutra but sex is largely a taboo in our country and premarital sex is a strictly secret affair, no one even admits they do it!

I started having sex with my boyfriend recently, we have tried just 5-6 times so far, not counting the times we spent trying to just loosen my vagina as it was too tight and penetration hurt a lot.

My concerns are:

1. I enjoy sex a lot but haven't had an orgasm yet. I have never had one before even though I used to finger myself a lot in my teenage years. Vaginal sex, though enjoyable, doesn't feel that great! Will this improve with time? I once hurt my vagina with my fingernails while fingering but I continued doing it even though it hurt. I think I have mutilated the inner wall and maybe this is why I dont find penetration that simulating. What are your thoughts about this?

2. During Clitoris stimulation using fingers or tongue, I start enjoying myself to the point of writhing on the bed, but after a certain point the simulation feels so intense that I have to push him/myself away! My boyfriend feels bad about this but I just can't help it at that time, the feeling is just unbearable. Can you please tell me what this is all about?

I really look forward to having a great sex life. I am thankful to you for helping out girls like me with your expertise and most importantly, kindness.

Love,
N

Dear N,

Welcome to D&R. First lesson: Women seldom experience orgasm from vaginal penetration which is basically procreative sex. Men prefer this because they are hard wired to do this. Your clitoris is your primary organ for pleasure. So next time stimulate your clitoris before, during and after vaginal penetration so you can also enjoy your orgasm. The vagina is sturdy and heals quickly but make sure both his and your fingernails are short and smooth. Always use some kind of extra lubrication like coconut oil for all vulva contact including penetration.

The key to learning more about your body is to masturbate alone without any distractions.That hyper sensitivity in you clit usually means you have just had a small orgasm but were not able to identify it as such. Next time you get that sensation, simply stop and wait a few minutes to let clitty calm down. This tiny organ has 8,000 nerve endings and is VERY sensitive.

Read some of my essays on the website particularly "Awakening the Clitoris." You're doing great as long as you don't have an unwanted pregnancy. Be sure to use some kind of birth control for vaginal penetration sex. .

Dr. Betty