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I can’t write a number large enough to cover the amount of emails I get from young, middle-aged, and older woman asking me how to have an orgasm. The constant refrain is that they have tried EVERYTHING and they still can’t come!

Some get a good feeling when they lie on their stomachs and clench their legs together or hump pillows or rolled up blankets until they get some mild feelings but when they roll over and try with their fingers or a vibrator, nothing much happens. Or if it does, those little mild sensations simply could not be an orgasm. Even if she feels her vagina contract or pulsates, she denies anything like an orgasm could have taken place.

Get ready for the Answer…..It’s all about your EXPECTATIONS. Yes, you are looking for some huge happening like an emotional/physical tsunami but it’s just not taking place. So you conclude nothing has happened, but it has. You have disqualified the sensation as being too mild so they don’t count. It‘s not anything like what you EXPECTED.

There were no bells or whistles or much of anything except maybe you felt your vaginal muscles clench or there was a warm feeling in your pelvic area, or something felt nice BUT, it was NOT what you EXPECTED so it was discounted…..and you remain convinced that nothing took place. Yet, what if it was a small orgasm, a beginning one? Like a small shoot of a plant that will need watering and sunlight so it can grow?

Remember, girls who did not masturbate as children have never connected those good feelings in their clitoris to the pleasure centers in their brains. Pleasure is learned; it’s not something that comes naturally. The repetition of masturbation will connect those good feelings eventually in the pleasure center of your brain so you can recognize them. Perhaps the purpose of childhood masturbation was to connect all the wiring.

So starting as an adult you are at a disadvantage. Keep an open mind. Did you feel mild pleasure? Good, because it will grow stronger each time you masturbate. Now here come all the clichés…..”Rome wasn’t built in a day.” “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” “Patience is a virtue.” “Practice makes perfect.” No one expects to master a skill all at once except in sex.

Practice your masturbation with an open mind! Observe what happens but do not judge what you feel. Just do it again and again and again, with no expectations. You’re learning about pleasure. It doesn’t come naturally; you must gradually learn what sexual pleasure feels like. So stop passing judgment on those early sexual sensations. You’re at the beginning of your orgasmic capacity.