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Dear Betty,

Thank you for this site. I've been wanting to talk to someone about this issue. I was very late coming to masturbation....45 years old before I had my first orgasm. It happened with the magic wand and I quickly became addicted. I have never had much luck coming in any other way so have used it almost exclusively over the years...many of those years as a single woman.

Now I am in a relationship and am finding I would like to feel freer and experience orgasms from many different types of stimulation. I just can't seem to break through and end up always resorting to the wand. I"m not complaining...the wand provides amazing orgasms, but it would be nice to have them in other ways as well. Should I just keep trying????

How do I break through this seeming barrier? I get so close with oral sex and manual stimulation but because the stimulation is so different than what I experience with the wand, my poor clitoris doesn't know what to do with it and it seems like I can't quite break through to orgasm. Is it possible to have orgasms without knowing it? Sometimes I just feel a slight sense of release but no real moment where I know I have climaxed. Unlike the vibrator where there is never any doubt. My muscles contract and I sometimes feel it throughout my whole body. Any suggestions???

Dear K,

Is your boyfriend complaining about you using a vibrator? I'll guess he doesn't really care as long as you are satisfied and happy. Given your late start at 45, I would suggest you simply accept your electric friend and not turn it into a big deal or feel like you are missing out on something special. Some women do manage to have orgasms several different ways, but I have never been successful at doing this once I discovered the vibrator in my late thirties.

Check out our video clips where we show vibrators used during partnersex. My book, "Orgasms for Two" deals with this subject in depth. You might want to try other vibrators. The Eroscillator is very slim and works quite well with a partner. Also the little Mystic Wand that's battery driven has a setting that's as strong as the Magic Wand. Think a moment. Why would your body suddenly like a lessor form of genital stimulation? After all, your clitoris waited a long time before she got any attention from you. So I'd say count your blessings and continue enjoying your lover with your vibrator orgasms. When you use one during penetration sex, he can feel the good vibes too.

Dr. Betty

Thank you, Dr. Betty.

How sweet that you reply so quickly. My boyfriend doesn't object to the use of the hitachi, but it is a bit cumbersom for partner sex. I will check out the two you recommended. My frustration only comes because I get so close during oral sex and it feels like a different type of stimulation altogether. when I use the wand I place it on my pubic bones, not directly on my clit and it's that vibration that seems to bring on the orgasm. During oral sex it's more directly clitoral stimlation. I just can't seem to make the switch. I'm not really complaining....I'm so happy to be having partner sex at all at my age...I'll be 70 next year...and to have such a thoughtful skilled lover in my life...so maybe it's just about "wanting more." I have ordered your book on partner sex and some of your dvd's. Blessings to you for providing such a wonderful service for us all. It was actually my lover who turned me on to you. He's been a follower of yours for decades. And good on you for being such a great role model for all of us seniors.

With gratitude, K