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Dear Dr. Betty,

Okay, I really need help! When I was younger I had orgasms that when they came they were off the charts, they were so intense that I cried. Now I don't have orgasms, and rarely with masturbating. I try to fantasize about all kinds of naughty things, but nothing. I'm not comfortable using a vibrator either.

It kind of hurts to rub my clit. I am so worried that there is something wrong and I don't know how to get the feeling back and that is very important to me. I do kegels, but it doesn't seem to help. I have had 4 children and they all weighed over 9lbs. I suppose that has something to do with it, but I really want to have orgasms again.

My boyfriend has made it his mission to help me have a big O. He told me that he would do whatever he could to help. He kisses me there, he uses his fingers and believe me he is well endowed, but there isn't much feeling. I mean sex feels kind of good, but I think it could be way better. He has some plans to lick and kiss while using his fingers to find my G spot, and while that kind of makes me excited, I think it should be making me hot and very horny (but alas it doesn't do the job. Is something wrong with me?

I really need to fix this, because I want to have such an orgasm with him that would be the ultimate love connection for us. PLEASE tell me how to fix this and or if it can be fixed. I really need help. I read an article that said he needs to give me permission to let go (by touching and caressing and loving me), is this true? Because he said he would do all of that to help me break through this wall, because he loves me enough to want to help me. Can I be fixed?

Thanks! D

Dear D,

First as we age, we need to stop comparing our sexual responses to what once was. It's counter productive. Memory can be very deceiving especially when recalling sexual experiences in our youth.

It would also help if I knew you age. Could you be experiencing a loss of hormones with menopause approaching? It's confusing when you say that you can't use a vibrator and that it hurts when your clitoris is touched. Are you using some kind of natural oil for sexual touch? Is he using too much pressure? Are you?

Another possible problem is having a boyfriend who is dedicated to MAKING you come. That usually means you are outside yourself as a witness wondering whether or not you are "getting close" or "maybe this is it" mental attitude. This is the opposite of enjoying sensations. As long as you are mentally monitoring yourself for "results" your body will never be able to take over. Also your feelings of desperation will interfere with pleasure.

I believe all women have a right to enjoy sexual pleasures, so to answer your question, "Can I be fixed?" I'd say yes. But not with an email. It would be best if you could have a private session with me. Or find a sex therapist in your area by checking out AASECT.org You need someone to talk with or to do hands-on sexual healing. Also check out ISASHS in San Francisco. They are now training sex coaches which I believe is the best help. Also, my website is filled with info about female orgasm so start educating yourself by taking advantage of our verbal and visual information.

Dr. Betty