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Hi Betty,

Firstly I'd like to thank you for the important work you do in liberating women's sexuality. It's meant a lot to me over the past year since I discovered your website, and I especially learned a lot from "Orgasms for Two". It made me see my body, my sex organ and the sex act in a completely new light, making me much more comfortable in my own (naked) skin. Thank you!

The question I have for you is one I have not seen addressed on the site or in any of the books I've read. My problem is that it is very hard for me to become aroused.

When I masturbate I usually manage to get there in the end (it's taken as long as two hours of not feeling much pleasure at all before I seem to get into the good feelings). But once I do get there I always, without fail, have an orgasm.

With my lover, though, it seems to be impossible. I can be very turned on from kissing etc., but once the clothes come off, it's like my entire vulva shuts down, becoming insensitive to touch. No matter how I or my partner touches me, I can barely feel a thing. It is literally like touching my calf or upper arm for the pleasure I'm (not) getting.

Also, when I'm on my own, touching myself often immediately makes my vulva feel very tender and quite sore, which I'm sure plays a role in the arousal problem when masturbating. I just can't get that pleasurable feeling.

I've used a number of different battery operated vibrators as well as the We-Vibe Tango and the Magic Wand, but while they're great for getting off once my clit is co-operating, they haven't been very helpful in the arousal department.

Do you have any tips for how I can get aroused more easily? Any relaxation techniques other than the breathing and pelvic rocking (which I always do)? Do you think it might be a physical thing, like a pH imbalance or candida?

I'll greatly appreciate anything you can do or say to help!

All the best,
K

Dear K,

Let's go through an elimination process. Ask yourself these following questions:

1. Is there any sexual abuse in my background? 2. Am I using the vibrator with a heavy hand? 3. What am I thinking about when I begin to masturbate? 4. Do I begin each self-loving session with a vulva massage while applying organic massage oil? 5. How often have a done the mirror exercise to admire my sex organ? 6. Do I take advantage of erotic thoughts and/or images before and during masturbation?

Spending two hours with a vibrator on your sensitive clit before you get any good sensations seems extreme. Describe what you mean when you use the word "aroused" and could this problem you present be based on your exaggerated expectations? Also I get concerned with young women who are what I'd call "over achievers."

Sometimes orgasms become similar to rock climbing where your life depends upon each move (or each orgasm). Don't forget this whole delightful process is about PLEASURE, not going for the best grade to be at the top of your class. Once you work this out with yourself, I suspect sex with your boyfriend will hopefully improve.

Dr. Betty