I'm Tired of Pleasing Him & Me

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Betty Dodson

Dear Betty,

First of all, thank you for your work, it helped me to recover my sexual self after psychological trauma during my childhood, which stripped me of my sexuality up until I was 20. I had to teach myself how to masturbate at the age of 19, and slowly I became able to orgasm with partners, and enjoy my casual and non-casual sexual adventures through and through. I find sex to be a fun thing to do, I take care of my needs, I love pleasing my partners, I love to show them and tell them what turns me on, I love fucking and making love, I love to shag men and women equally.

The problem is this. My friend and I were sleeping together for 4 months, after 4 months we admitted we had feelings for each other and decided to enter a relationship. Now that we've been together for half a year, I find it hard to enjoy him. I still have a very strong desire, but just not for him, it seems. He just doesn't seem to do anything right. We already had a chat about me needing more time and attention, and although things got better, our sex life still makes me unhappy.

I need sex more frequently than he does, although he doesn't admit to that. More often than not he turns down my advances (he suffers form depression), but is willing to get handjobs and blowjobs. There was a time when we had sex, he wouldn't touch and caress me enough, my nipples were left alone, although he claimed he loved them. He just would go straight for the genitals after 5-10 minutes of kissing me on the mouth. And we've discussed all this, many a times, and he improved.

But now, the things I want are not the ones I'd like to ask for in bed. I want him to want to kiss my neck, and stomach, breasts, not ask him. I want him to stop rubbing against my leg, and go down on me because he wants to, not because I asked again. And now that he's more attentive, my waning t to have sex with him can disappear whilst we're having sex, usually because something he does makes me think he's acting selfish and then his hand on my clitoris is irritating, his kisses feel like something moist moving on my lips, and I feel bored and start flirting with people at work/uni/when I'm out. He also thinks he's more knowledgeable about women's bodies than other men, and that he is a caring and selfless lover, and loooooves to eat women out. To which recently I burst out saying "have you actually ever asked a woman whether they think that? More importantly, have you asked me?", but he seems to think I just don't say what I want and a little bit bad at giving instructions.

I'm tired of pleasing him AND myself. Tired of fawning upon him like a cat in heat hoping he will have sex with me. I tolerate this, because once in two weeks or so he does make my body and all of my senses go absolutely wild, and I always think after that things are getting better.

So how do I stop thinking that he's just selfish in bed even when he's trying? Do I communicate I want him to kiss all of my body, and explore me, when I don't think I should ask for this?

Thank you,

Dear S,

My experience is that when sex is good, it often gets better. When it's problematic it usually gets worse. Since you had sex problems in your childhood, I'd go to great lengths to avoid them now. You've paid your dues girl. Bail out. Stop singing the heterosexual blues over yet another man!

Find a more compatible lover. The male ego is a strange and scary thing when they actually believe their own PR about being great lovers. And women bend over backwards to protect the male ego and to please them. That's old school. Time for women to take over in all departments of life because men really are messing up the planet. Maybe it's because they are missing one of those chromosomes that we have two of. I'd say planet Earth is on red alert so don't waste any more time dealing with a dude who doesn't really satisfy your needs. You've been more than generous so cut bait and move along.

Dr. Betty.