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Dear Betty and Carlin,

Thank you for reading my question. I appreciate your time and perspective and I hope that my email addresses a worthy, yet lesser-discussed topic that will interest your audience.

QUESTION

I have been asking myself: “Do I need to accept medical celibacy due to a low libido, anorgasmia and dyspareunia?” If so, do you have recommendations for accepting this lifestyle?”

BACKGROUND

I have a low libido, dyspareunia and frequent anorgasmia and have had a difficult time sustaining sexual relationships. I am 32, female, heterosexual, single and have no children, history of abuse, sexual abuse, trauma etc.. I’ve been sexually active 11 years and I also have chronic autoimmune complications that have significantly impacted my overall health and require that I take birth control pills, and an anti-depressant.

My question stems from frustrations regarding my personal relationship with sex: I want sex to be pleasurable and fun but I have not been physically able.

I have exhausted all of the affordable resources that I know. Ideally there would be affordable, non-invasive, ways for me to overcome these sexual challenges and I will be able to find fun and pleasure in sex without the constant challenges of anorgasmia and dyspareunia. If I have exhausted all of the affordable and reasonable resources to improve my physical sexual situation, I think I may need to overcome it emotionally by letting go of the desire to further explore my body sexually, but I don’t know how to do this either.

I’m trying to figure out how to fully accept the situation and let go of my sexual desires.

Thank

Dear A,

My first thought upon reading your email was: Stay away from doctors and never again speak those disgusting words "low libido, anorgasmia and dyspareunia."

To my way of unconventional thinking these are made up conditions by male establishment professionals (similar to your local witch doctor) to explain the confusing condition of female sexuality. If I ever waited for my libido to kick in, I would never have been sexual. For me, libido is like exercising. The thought is a big drag but once I push through and do it, the experience can be delightful.

Anorgasmia is another made up doctor-type word that is really about women struggling with a male model of sex that just doesn't work for us. Until women get strong enough to say, "HEY! This is what I want and how I want it" we will remain trapped in the Victorian ideal of vaginal orgasms and male dominated sex. Mankind has been slow at understanding the female phallus, the clitoris. Women need to educate each lover they have sex with again and again.

Dyspareunia (ugly word) is mostly based upon people's ignorance about female sexuality and how we function. Conventional "foreplay" is a lame activity performed by well meaning but clumsy men to get a woman aroused so they can "stick it in and fuck her." It takes us so much longer to get fully engorged when our vaginal lining plumps up and we are wet either naturally or like I have always done, drenched my vulva in organic oil before any penetration takes place. This would require a woman who is knowledgeable about her sexuality from years of practicing masturbation.

Now it's up to you to discover or uncover you own orgasm with the consistent practice of self-loving. Overnight the Catholic Church changed the term "self-lovng" into self-abuse. There's a good reason to keep masturbation off the front page as it will require all of
"mankind" to let women tell them what we want and how we want it. First we must learn what that might be and then be able to talk about it with each partner. We are a long way off from offering our youth any decent sex information or education. Luckily you've come to the right website.

The following essays will begin your sex education. Also take advantage of all the streaming videos we have available. Now it's up to you practice sex. Let me know how you do and we'll all celebrate together on D&R.

Dr. Betty