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Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm 55 and in great shape, and excellent health. Married for 37 years to a wonderful man, and we've had a mutually satisfying sex life. Almost a year ago, I stopped feeling aroused by things that used to work for me - erotica, porn, sexy thoughts. I just feel nothing when I think or see that. I also began to have great difficulty reaching orgasm. Our usual habit was lots of touching, necking then it would progress to me masturbating with my fingers while he nuzzled me and played with my nipples. I'd have one wonderful orgasm, then we'd have intercourse, cuddle and both be satisfied.

Now I just can't seem to find one single thought that turns me on, so I valiantly stroke myself, hoping for something, but I may as well be fondling my elbows and hoping for an orgasm from that.

I struggle on, and eventually come, but it just takes so bloody long, and it's not pleasurable along the way - that's the part that bothers me, if it was a pleasurable journey I'd like taking my time. Same with oral sex - god bless my husband for persevering but for the most part I feel nothing for 30 minutes, then it's a frantic climb to orgasm before it's all lost. I hate it. I have a Magic Wand, water dancer, we-vibe, lelo, and all they do is make me feel numb. I used to be able to orgasm easily with a vibrator, and now I feel nothing. I have your videos The Orgasm Doctor and Celebrating Orgasm, but nothing is working for me. I have Orgasms for Two, and Sex for One, and loved reading them both.

I want to have intercourse, I want to have orgasms, I want to feel horny. I'm so frustrated and discouraged and I don't want to give up, but it's just not working. Could I have damaged myself - worn out too many of my 8000 nerve endings - by masturbating? Do I have a mental block - because I do come sometimes, and it's great when I do. How can I feel that wonderful, desperate "I need to come" feeling again? Why doesn't porn do it for me anymore - it's not like I ever watched very much of it, and none of it was ever disturbing to me. Sorry this is so long, I hope you will have some insights for me.

Dear P,

First thing I want to share with you is that sex changes as we age. Also read my essay on postmenopausal women and hormone replacement with bio-identical estrogen cream made from the soybean plant inserted inside the vagina.

A similar thing happened to me when I was in my mid-fifties. I'd gone into menopause at fifty so at fifty-five, I was postmenopausal with a thinned out vaginal lining, less lubrication and a minimum of sexual desire. That began my phase of investigating women who were into fantasy role playing, wearing outfits to signify our sexual preferences with black leather or lacy lingerie. It was like a girl's club of bisexual and lesbian women who were exploring top and bottom, pain and pleasure and all kinds of kinky games. Being single made this an easy transition. As a married woman you can still think in terms of sharing fantasies with your husband or adding someone else to your pairbond.

However the Magic Wand did give me orgasms with masturbation during that time. So there is a skill in using an electric vibrator. Never hold it in one place while mentally demanding an orgasm. We go numb instead. Your mental block is wanting back your more youthful sex life but it won't happen. You have not damaged your clit from masturbating, You do have a mental block by expecting sex to remain the same. Let it go and stop demanding it be like it was in the "Good old days."
Dr. Betty