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Hi Betty!

So grateful to have your channel on YouTube, it has been really helpful and healing for me to watch. I wanted to ask you my own question about my special sex life!

I am a 26 year old female who has been in a monogamous relationship with a wonderful man for the past 5 years. We recently got married this summer. We have a very good communication practice in our relationship and are very open and honest with one another about our sex life. I am very lucky as a woman in that I was able to masturbate as a child and young adult and as a result I feel like I have a very healthy view of my body and my sexuality.

But here's the problem: I don't feel horny all that much. I just don't feel very enthusiastic about sex. It's especially weird because my husband is a great sexual partner and when we do have sex it's very easy for me to get turned on, so you'd think that I would want to get laid more often but most nights I just don't really want to. It's frustrating because I have so many of the great things that I feel are required as a part of a great sexual partnership - honest and open communication, an openness to trying all kinds of things, the ability to achieve orgasm very easily, a super attractive man that is eager to please - but I just don't get excited about it.

I'm not just trying to be more sexual for my partner, either. I would really like to re-kindle my sexual relationship with myself as well. Do you have any advice for a woman who wants to feel more sexual more of the time?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and thank you for being you!!

M

Dear M,

It sounds like five years of monogamy have dampened your desire and getting married sealed your fate.You are now mating in captivity which is the name of Esther Perel's book. Check it out. While I know most folks believe being sexually faithful is the bedrock of a solid relationship, it just doesn't work for everyone.

You have been with one partner since you were 21. Not much time to explore sex with other people. And this has nothing to do with not loving your husband. Now you must decide what is available that you or both of you can do. Perhaps some adult workshops with partner sexual activities would provide some adventure to liven up your appetite. Talk to your husband and see how he feels. The Poly community seems to be growing and there are groupsex parties available again.

I know for me, I need variety in sex as well as all other aspects of life. However, this is not a popular position in Christian America where we pretend that the monotony of monogamy doesn't exist. It does and it's very real for many of us.
Let me know what you discover that worked.

Dr. Betty