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Dear Dr. Betty,

I have never had much desire for sex. Even as a teenager, I lacked the basic drive for any kind of sexual encounter-with boys or simple masturbation. It impacted my first marriage and now is a factor in my second. I am 57 so I have given up on myself but it is breaking my heart that my daughter is going through the same thing.

We have had very candid discussions on the subject. She loves her husband but after seven years of battling the lack of desire and two children two years apart and it is really putting a strain on her marriage. It's killing me that I can't help her because I was never able to help myself. Would therapy be helpful for her? Please share any information that may allow me to help her before it is too late. I can't believe that this asexuality is inherited. Thank you in advance.

S

Dear S,

Please don't blame yourself for any of this. Organized Religions that condemn masturbation along with other forms of sexual repression are the culprits. The general lack of sex education and information are also to blame. Many girls never get a chance to develop their sexual bodies through the healthy act of childhood self exploration. That's when we connect the good feelings in our genitals to the pleasure center in our brains. When that doesn't happen, there's no such thing as "sexual desire" because girls and women remain sexually dormant.

Sex is like any other skill, it must be learned and then practiced. That's why the Catholic Church says, "Give us the first five years of child's life and we have them forever." Nasty thought I'd say.

The good news is that it's never too late to learn how to enjoy your orgasms, first alone and then with a partner. My oldest client was 80. When she finally had her first orgasm with a vibrator she said, "Is that it? Why do we make such a big deal out of that?" I had to laugh. It's only a big deal if a woman has never experienced an orgasm. Therapy might help but far too often many therapists do not get any sex information/education and they have their own sex problems.

I suggest you are far too young to abandon your orgasms. So once you begin to heal, so will your daughter as you share your experience with her. Not with advice but with an honest sharing about your own belated efforts to learn about your sexual body. I recommend you both invest in electric vibrators and follow my basic steps on how to uncover your sexuality. I'm including several links to get you both started. I can't think of a better way to start the New Year.

Dr. Betty