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Hello, 

I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now, and we are starting to have sex. But for me it is not pleasurable and hurts a lot. The pain has nothing to do with not being lubricated enough, as we use a natural lubricant to help. Penetrative vaginal sex really hurts, and I feel no pleasure at all from it apart from an almost continuous pain. It is either painful, or just "comfortable" or "blank" but nothing better. I was wanting to know if there is any way I could possibly improve it. I was also told that a woman cannot get any pleasure from just the act of penetrative sex, because the clitoris is not being stimulated.

I feel as if perhaps I am abnormal or something is wrong with me. We do try foreplay which does feel good, but then as soon as the actual sex happens all the pleasure goes and it is not nice for me at all. We have tried having him or me touching my breasts during sex, which does not help much. Unlike during foreplay when it feels fantastic. I really am at a loss for what to do, and am almost at the point of giving up and declaring that we should not have sex anymore. The only reason I keep having sex with him is because I love him and want him to feel good, despite my own discomfort, and the idea that "maybe next time it will feel good". there have been many "next times" and nothing is changing. I doubt I will ever reach orgasm during penetrative sex, let alone even feel the slightest bit of pleasure from it. Please, if you have any advice I would love to hear it!

Regards, M

Dear M,

Until you figure out why vaginal penetration is always painful, stop doing it. There are many other ways to enjoy sex with a partner with manual and oral stimulation. Although you didn't state your age, I'm assuming you are in your early twenties, and have received a minimum of sex education (thanks to the Abstinence only set up by the GOP under the Bush presidency).

Start learning about female sexuality by reading my book "First Time Orgasm" on the website and follow my step by step process. Once you are able to give yourself an orgasm from manual or vibrator clitoral stimulation, then you can begin to practice vaginal penetration on yourself. Get a silicon dildo or carve a veggie dildo from a zucchini or carrot. Always use some kind of clean massage oil whenever you touch your vulva and especially your clitoris. Also locate your PC muscle by reading the information under Betty's Vaginal Barbell. Using this muscle consciously will facilitate vaginal penetration.

It is my belief that young women need to discover how their own sex organ functions including orgasm before they embrace sex with a partner. Your boyfriend knows what he likes because he's been masturbating to orgasm most likely since puberty. Unless that's true for the girl, then it's a case of the blind leading the blind. It's up to you to tell him what you like and what feels good. Not suffering through pain just because you "love" him. What makes people think that sex is something that just "comes naturally?" Not true! It's an art form that needs to be learned and practiced, first with oneself and then with a partner.

While some women do experience orgasm from vaginal penetration, the majority of women need some form of direct clitoral stimulation. What works best for me and many others is to stimulate my own clitoris during intercourse. Finally, breast stimulation only enhances sexual arousal for a few women. I suggest you focus on your clitoris and make sure it's under your control not his! No matter how much he loves you he cannot feel what you're feeling. He is in control of what his penis is feeling during intercourse and you need to have the same control over what you're clitoris is feeling. That combined with slow vaginal penetration will eventually allow you to share mutual orgasms.

Dr. Betty

Thank you Dr.Betty,

I will be sure to read those books and have a look at the other information. I will also try out your suggestions next time and also I think a talk is needed with my boyfriend now that I see that I guess it is not ok for me to go through the pain of vaginal sex just because of him. Actually I am 16 years old and I live in Australia. Though please do not think that I am going against my religion by having intercourse with my boyfriend, as I am an Atheist. I have read a few sex books before that are from christian authors, and although I respect all religions the information was a bit confusing and also was making me feel almost guilty for having sex with my boyfriend before marriage, even though I do not follow the same religion. I have read many health/sex type books and make sure everything is clean and safe (contraception etc) and I understand what actions involve what risks of STI's etc from sexual interactions.

Also one last question, is it actually safe to use vegetable oil as a lubricant when masturbating? Because I have read on a lot of websites that it is not safe, and that olive oil is better....then again, some websites say that vegetable oil IS safe, so i am quite confused on the matter and do not want to use anything that could harm myself! I also heard somewhere that it is important to always put a condom over any vegetables used for masturbation because the insecticides on the vegetable can harm you, is this true and actually necessary to use a condom over the vegetable? Sorry if i am asking to many questions, but your advice has been rather helpful and seems quite accurate and i do not really have anyone else to discuss this sort of thing with.

Thank you very much.

Dear B,

Any cold pressed nut oil is best like Sesame seed or apricot, avocado and almond oil. If you buy an organic veggie no need to use a condom and also it's peeled so the insecticides are pared off when the skin is removed. Glad to hear you are stopping the hurtful penetration until you can figure it all out. I happily got through high school getting manual sex from my boyfriend which allowed me learn how to come from some one else touching my clitoris besides me.

Dr. Betty