FIRST TIME ORGASM: Most young girls will begin by using their hands and massage oil. A young woman who has a history of little or no masturbation and has reached her mid to late-20s and is looking for her first orgasm, a battery driven vibrator can be a good choice. There are many of these vibrators available.
However, it you are in your thirties or older, the Magic Wand is also a good choice. If you are using a Wand, I recommend putting some kind of fabric between you and the vibrator to soften the vibes. Lately I've been putting a sock on mine. I use a thin or a thick one, depending upon my mood.
The Magic Wand vibrator only works on AC current so the company will not ship to countries with direct electrical current. However, there is a vibrator that works on batteries called the Mystic Wand. It’s like the Magic Wands little sister. This new one has five different settings. The low setting is good for young women who are beginners and the third setting has vibrations as strong as the Big Mama Magic Wand. The Mystic is smaller, quieter and adorable. Both vibrators are available from our sex shop. Another good vibrator is the Eroscillator that is compatible with both AC and DC current.
GETTING READY: You will need to gather a few basic items. If at all possible set aside at least an hour in a warm room that's completely private. Turn off the telephone and put your cell phone in another room. Although it's not necessary, it's also nice to have candle light and music of your choice.
For your genital exam you will need
1. a makeup mirror that stands alone with at least an eight-inch mirror surface.
2. A gooseneck desk lamp is the best or some light source that can be aimed between your legs..
3. A bottle of organic massage oil such as almond, coconut, apricot, avocado, etc.
4. A soft washcloth and a towel to sit on.
5. The Magic Wand vibrator or a battery oporated one. For some women, the softer vibrations of a battery vibrator may be preferable.
Or if you prefer, you can also use your hands. Ideally girls would use their hands until they enter their late twenties or early thirties.
6. Betty's Barbell for penetration. Or improvise with a peeled carrot or zucchini. The advantage of the Barbell is that the weight will hold it in place while you stimulate your clitoris.
GENITAL EXAM: To learn about the form and function of your vulva, it's essential to begin with a genital exam. Get a soft towel and put it on the floor with some kind of back support. Place the mirror so that you have a view of your entire genital area. Aim a bright light between your legs. Oil your hands. Now spend a few minutes doing an over-all genital massage while observing your vulva in the mirror. Enjoy the pleasurable feelings as you press, kneed and move your hands over the entire area.
Next spread your outer lips apart to explore your vulva's intricate internal design with its delicate folds. Locate your clitoris at the top of your vulva just below where your pubic hair begins. Find the shaft and hood of the clitoris. Pull the hood back so you can see your clitoral glans. With a well-oiled finger, touch the glans softly to understand why ithose 8,000 nerver endings are protected with the hood. Now massage your clitoris using different kinds of pressure from light to firm on either side, on top and underneath your clitorial glans. Observe the different sensations. Spread the inner lips apart with both hands. Locate your vaginal opening that will appear as small folds that will part when you enter with your finger. The vaginal vestibule is the recessed space inside your inner lips. See if you can locate your urethra, a tiny opening nestled somewhere in the vestibule below the clitoris and above the vaginal opening.
Arrange your genital flower in a manner you find most appealing. Take a few moments to appreciate the beauty of your magnificent sex organ. You might want to trim or shape your pubic hair and take a pussy portrait for your lover on Valentine's Day. Or enter your photo in my Genital Art Gallery.
THE PELVIC FLOOR MUSCLE: Consciously relax your vaginal muscles while taking several deep breaths. Then very slowly press your middle finger inside your vagina. Once inside, circle your finger feeling the contours of the vaginal barrel. Take another deep breath and relax all the surrounding muscles and focus primarily on the muscle that stops the flow of urine. Now squeeze and release this muscle on your finger. You will feel your vagina gripping your finger softly or firmly depending on the strength of your PC (pubococcygeus) muscle. Take your finger away and watch your entire genital area move from your clitoris to your anus when you contract the muscle by lifting up and squeezing. Do not bear down or push out. Lift and release. Lift and release. Be sure to check out how to do Kegel exercises under Betty's Vaginal Barbell.
BREATHING: Next lie down on your bed, a futon, or a blanket on the floor. Make sure you are comfortable and warm. Place a pillow under your head. Your feet are on the floor with your knees bent and both legs at a comfortable angle. Take a series of deep breaths exhaling with an audible sigh. Send loving thoughts to your body. During your masturbation session it's a good idea to be able to hear yourself breathing out loud. Getting oxygen into the blood stream is essential for clitoral engorgement. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. If your nose is stopped up, do both the in and out breath with your mouth. Most women tend to hold their breath during sexual arousal so make sure you are breathing fully.
PELVIC ROCKING: Avoid tensing up and holding your body rigid. Move your pelvis like Elvis. Roll your hips. Do a little dance lying down. Use movements that feel good. Loosen up and stretch. Smile. As your hips rock forward and back the muscles in your body flex and relax similar to an athlete in motion. Take a minute and dance to the music of your choice with rhythmic pelvic thrusting along with deep breathing and sounds of pleasure. Remember sex is about having fun and feeling good. During your entire masturbation session, a gentle rocking motion can be perpetual motion. Rest if you get tired.
PENETRATION WITH PC MUSCLE: Now that you are in touch with your PC muscle, you are ready to do slow penetration. If you are new to vaginal penetration begin with your finger. Then use a peeled carrot or zucchini gradually making them bigger. Just be aware that squeezing your vaginal muscle will tend to push the veggie dildo out so hold it with one hand. If you have Betty's Barbell, penetration virgins or postmenopausal women unaccustomed to vaginal penetration will place the smaller end of the Barbell just at the vaginal opening (inside the vestibule). As you begin to squeeze and release the PC muscle, observe the sensation. Penetrate your vagina very slowly going an inch at a time while pausing to grip and release the dildo or Barbell with your muscle. Once the Barbell is inserted, it stays in place leaving both hands free. Your veggie dildo will get pushed out as you squeeze the muscle, so hold it in place or just forget set it aside.
CLITORAL STIMULATION: With the Barbell in place, add clitoral stimulation first with your oiled finger. Release all expectations of what you "should" be feeling. Just observe what is happening without passing any judgments. Stay with manual as long as it feels good. When you desire more clitoral sensation, add a battery vibrator. Stay with this for as long as it feels good.
For women using an electric vibrator, begin with the switch on low. Its okay to experiment with high later on, but the low setting will allow you to take more time and enjoy all the pleasurable sensations. Keep a light touch. The whole point of selfloving is to train your body to tolerate higher levels of sexual pleasure that last longer than a few moments.
COMBINING BREATHING, PELVIC MOVEMENTS AND THE PC MUSCLE: As you rock your hips forward, squeeze your PC muscle and exhale through your mouth. As your pelvis drops back down inhale through your nose and release the PC muscle. Forward, exhale and squeeze the PC. Drop back down as you inhale and release the PC muscle. Continue doing this while breathing out loud. Listen to yourself breathing. While this seems a bit complicated at first, like any new dance step, once you've done it a few times your body will remember the moves. As you reach a higher level of sexual arousal your breathing will be similar to jogging or walking briskly. Eventually you can make sounds of pleasure on the out breath. Try the vowels sounds of Ah, Oh or say the word "yes." Let your jaw drop and have your mouth slightly open. Keep your eyes closed with your attention focused on the sensations in your genitals.
ORGASM: It's important to let go of all romantic notions of what you think an orgasm will be like. Instead keep an open mind and pay attention to the good feelings that are happening in your body. Be patient. A consistent problem for beginners is putting pressure on yourself to come. This is the exact opposite of experiencing pleasure. Sexual excitement does not go in a straight line to orgasm similar to many men's sexual response. You can get a sensation that feels great and then it will drift or go away completely. Nothing is wrong. Keep breathing while you tense and release your PC muscle. Find another rhythm with your clitoral stimulation and change your pelvic movements until you catch the next wave of pleasure.
Just in front of a climax your pelvic movements might become more urgent and breathing more rapid as your heart rate increases. Or you might slow down and get quiet. At that point trust your body until it has the orgasm. Once orgasm occurs, don't stop. Simply lighten up with clitoral stimulation by moving the vibrator above or off to one side. Keep breathing, moving your pelvis and pumping the pelvic floor muscles. After a few moments, the hypersensitivity will subside and for some women, her clitoris will be ready to go again. At that point you have the choice of building up to another orgasm or simply riding the aftershocks of pleasure from the orgasm you just had. Some women feel satisfied with one nice full orgasm. We are unique so one size does not fit all.
About The Magic Wand: This vibrator is sold as an electric body massager. Although there are many electric vibrators on the market now, the Wand is my personal favorite. This sturdy and reliable machine is great for relaxing and soothing sore muscles throughout the entire body. The therapeutic vibrations bring a new supply of blood to any area being massaged including the genitals. Once I discovered how great this vibrator was for sexual pleasure, I started buying them by the case to share with the women in my original Bodysex groups. Since the early seventies I have recommended the Magic Wand without being paid for my endorsement. I currently sell the Wand on my website in addition to Betty's Barbell, my vaginal exerciser, and a few other favorite sex toys along with my books and videos. When you use the Wand, I recommend using a layer of cushioning. At first, I used a soft washcloth layered. Today I just put a clean white sock on the head of the vibrator.
The Magic Wand vibrator only works on AC current so the company will not ship to countries with direct electrical current. However, there is a vibrator that works on batteries called the Mystic Wand. It’s like the Magic Wands little sister. She has five different settings and one has vibrations almost as strong as her Big Mama Magic Wand. Mystic is smaller, quieter and adorable. The low setting is good for beginners. Another good vibrator is the Eroscillator that also comes in both AC and DC current. These vibrators plus other sex toys are available from our sex shop.
A woman who has a history of little or no masturbation and is looking for her first orgasm in her mid-thirties or older, the Mystic or Magic Wand will provide steady stimulation for as long as she needs to awaken her slumbering clitoris. The strong consistent vibrations will make up for years of sensory deprivation. The Wand is a must for postmenopausal women who want to renew a fading libido or for women taking an anti-depressant. The electric vibrator is to women what Viagra is to men. The Wand is also marvelous for women interested in increasing the intensity of their orgasms, wanting to have several orgasms during a masturbation session and for women that want to experience orgasm during penetration sex with a partner. Get my book Orgasms for Two that has information on how to use a vibrator while having sex with your partner.
VARIATIONS ON EXPERIENCES WITH VIBRATORS: When you are new to vibrator sex, you may experience any number of responses. One client I observed had a full-body orgasm, but she claimed nothing had happened. Her expectations of an orgasm were so exaggerated she couldn't identify what was actually taking place in her body. Another woman had a small climax and didn't think it was real. In order for her orgasms to grow, she needed to acknowledge her small climaxes. A girlfriend told me that the first time she used a vibrator, she had the most intense orgasm of her life, but it was over before she knew what had happened. Another woman had to practice for a month before she broke through to her orgasm. We are all very different in how we respond to clitoral stimulation.
COMMON MISUSE OF THE VIBRATOR: Some women create pain instead of pleasure by bearing down with the vibrator, crushing their sweet little clits while demanding immediate results. Or they vibrate too long irritating their vulva. If you feel pain or a burning sensation, stop. You are doing something wrong. Instead of relying on pressure to increase the sensation, keep the vibrator moving around your clitoris with a light touch. A little pressure from time to time is okay, but bearing down will numb out the most athletic clits. Breathing fully, rocking your pelvis and squeezing the pelvic floor muscles will increase your genital sensation. Avoid bearing down harder with your vibrator.
The other problem is not spending enough time. Most women who come for a private session have never masturbated for more than five or ten minutes. In order to get the energy moving similar to getting your heart rate up, I often keep my client moving, breathing and vibrating for at least an hour, sometimes up to three hours. The common complaint from women is, "I seem to get right in front of an orgasm but I can't get over that edge." My answer is, "There is no edge." Just keep vibrating while trying something different; a new fantasy, a different rhythm, shifting the position of the vibrator, altering vaginal penetration., increase your pelvic floor muscle squeezing. Most important is don't stop, keep going.
SEXUAL FANTASY: One of the best ways to focus your mind on sexual pleasure is to engage your mind in a hot fantasy instead of running the grocery list. If you are new to fantasy you can start by imagining something sexual that you enjoyed and gradually embellish the details. Sexual fantasy is at the heart of the creative process that requires the freedom to imagine the unimaginable. Get rid of the mental censor inside your head. My fantasies have ranged from sugary romantic scenarios to thinking up elaborate set ups for bondage where I'm taken advantage of by cruel men. At first I worried about my rape and bondage fantasies, but these were the images that got me really hot. In real life I have never been put into bondage or raped. Once I understood that I was playing all the roles in my fantasies, it freed me to stop passing judgment. That alone freed my imagination to think about anything that turned me on.
DILDO USE: Once you have your orgasm pattern established, adding vaginal penetration with Betty's Barbell or differently sized dildos will intensify sexual sensations. When using my Barbell, first oil your toy and start with slow penetration. Once inside, you can leave the Barbell in place while you squeeze and release the PC muscle. The weight of the Barbell holds it inside the vagina. Or you can move it slowly in and out or do a short rapid motion while continuing clitoral stimulation. Angle the Barbell or any other dildo up toward the ceiling of your vagina and press into the urethral sponge (G-spot) and observe the sensation. Don't look for some special spot inside your vagina. It's a sensation.
Focus on your primary sex organ, the clitoris with its eight thousand nerve endings. The internal clitoris inside the body surrounds the first third of your vaginal barbell. Continue to work the PC muscle against the Barbell. Try a variety of different sized dildos. You might find a larger dildo that stretches your vagina feels good. If vaginal penetration is not that interesting for you or it doesn't feel good, then drop it and just stay with your clitoris.
GETTING EVERYTHING TOGETHER
Combining the five elements of clitoral stimulation, vaginal penetration, pelvic movements, PC muscle contractions and breathing out loud makes this style of masturbation the one that's most easily translated to partnersex. During intercourse, you or your partner can add the kind of clitoral contact you prefer with fingers, a battery vibrator or any electric vibrator including my favorite, the Magic Wand or the Mystic Wand.
If you've followed these instructions and STILL CAN'T ORGASM, I've put together a longer version that's an ebook: Learn How to Orgasm.
Also, go to the Nav Bar and under Ask Dr. Betty, read the questions and my answers asked by other women. This will give you more ideas of skills you can try. I'm always working on gathering new facts to share. Be sure to read my information on the G spot. If a woman squirts naturally it's perfectly OK, but I advise beginners to stay focussed on the clitoris which is our primary organ for sexual pleasure. Another fact is that squirting is not the same thing as having an orgasm so don't get caught up in all the PR surrounding this over-stated sexual response.