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Dr. Betty,

I am a 20 year old female and my partner is a 20 year old male. Neither of us have done anything beyond manual sex with each other or previous partners. We have been having manual sex (although I have not been able to orgasm when he tries to stimulate me which has been making me feel bad because I haven't really experienced a full blown orgasm on my own either so I feel fully responsible, but we're working on that), but he brought up the subject of oral sex and I just can't seem to bring myself to be comfortable with giving it. I wouldn't mind if he went down on me orally, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head that giving a blowjob is degrading. I want to pleasure him, but I don't know if something about me not getting to orgasm through manual sex makes me less interested in intensifying our physical relationship before that happens. I know that sounds very unfair, but it may be the way I think about it. What can I do to become comfortable with the idea of giving him oral?

Thank you so much!

Dear P,

Are you also practicing masturbation? That's the BEST way to develop your orgasm. Sex with any partner is always very complicated. Especially for women because we are always way too concerned about pleasing our partner or worrying about what they are thinking/feeling or how we appear to them. All of this processing keeps us in our heads so we are not able to focus on the sexual sensations in our bodies. Once we are alone, we can focus on the pleasure at hand.

Don't leave your orgasm up to your young man who has had no sex education and no experience with other women. At least he knows what his penis likes best because I'll bet he's likely a masturbatory expert! Most young men have been practicing orgasm since puberty or even before unless raised in a restrictive household. Compare that with your being totally unaware of what you like. So begin your study of all things clitoris and vulva. It's a wonderful trip.

Even after you show him, he cannot feel what you are feeling when he's touching you, so you'll need to continue giving him feedback (after you've had sex). As for giving him a blow job, just tell him what you told me. That you wouldn't mind if he went down on you. After you realize how good it feels, you just might change you mind about it being degrading. Once he does oral sex for you, then returning the favor will not be degrading. Instead it will be natural and fun.

Dr. Betty