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Dear Betty and Carlin,

First of all, let me say you two women are so incredibly beautiful and inspiring. I have just discovered your podcasts, and they are so funny, and i cannot help cracking up when you do. Stunning people.

You both speak about having sex outside a relationship as healthy, as i understand it, and that the idea of monogamy is a moral social construct. My question is about how one can overcome this feeling of extra-marrital affair as being wrong. I have never cheated on anyone, and my current man is wonderful, caring and his aim in life is to pleasure me! He has been cheated on many times by previous girlfriends and felt betrayed, but regardless of this, he has a fantasy of watching me have sex with another man. He says it is to see me having a great time.

The idea of this makes me feel uncomfortable, as i would feel like i was being unfaithful. To him, the cheating was not the sex, so much as the breaking of trust. We have been musing about going to a sex club, in New Zealand where we live. One reason we would go, is that I have aways wanted a sexual experience with a woman. But being a shy wee kiwi girl i have never acted on that, except sharing a kiss with my liberated eastern european friend.Our discussion has ended at the agreement that we would go with no expectations for anything to happen, but if it did, it would be me with a woman and/or a couple. I don't really want my bf to have sex with another woman, but that also makes me feel very hypocritical. He says thats fine, it can be about me.

My worry (you know women, worry worry worry!) is that i don't know how the relationship will change if i had sex with a woman, man or if my bf had sex with another woman. I can say id be ok with it, but its a risk I feel is too high, as i love him so much. He said to me that the reason he will not have sex with someone else because it would hurt me...not that he doesn't want to..very honest I suppose.

My question is, how do i get over the mental block of him having sex with someone else, even though the situation will be open and honest? in a moment of self-reflection, I figure if i think it will damage our relationship if he enjoys sex with others, is probably means that there is nothing else that i offer him apart from sex that makes me special to him, which is pretty shitty if i think that way! Maybe im finding my own answers just writing down my thoughts. I do go on, sorry! In summary, is there any reason that fooling around with other couples will harm our relationship, if we are both in on it? Thanks for your time to read my question.

Love you guys
B

Dear B,

Yes, I do enjoy it when a questioner answers her own question which you did. Remember, feelings are not facts necessarily and I suggest you dump the word cheating" and "fooling around." If both of you agree to experiment together it is an experience that will reap it's own rewards. You will either enjoy it and continue or drop it if it's more trouble than it's worth.

It's been my experience that having sex with another person outside a relationship will only enhance it if it's good or expose all the things that are wrong with the relationship. It sounds like you are two people who want to spice up your sex lives and are willing to do it together. That's called a sexual adventure. Just keep your communications open, clear and honest. Then have your adventures together and enjoy yourselves.

Dr. Betty