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Dear Dr. Betty,

I'm familiar with your work and your fame in helping people connect to their sexualities. Your name popped into my head as I'm feeling desperate for some wisdom. Now I know that romance is not exactly your main focus, but my problem with my emotions right now stems from both romance as well as sex. I also know that you mainly focus on women, and though I am a man, I ask your help. I am neither active nor experienced in either sex or romance. I am 20 years old living in college, surrounded by people with plenty of knowledge and experience with both. I have legitimately tried to connect with someone, and partially because of my physical disability, my attempts have failed. I have received mixed signals from both friends and prospective lovers about whether I need to focus on cultivating a relationship or getting laid.

My sexual inexperience brings in a lot of conflict to my life; at the same time I very much want to be in love, but I can seem to do neither. I feel like the place where I want to "begin" sexually would be too far behind the more experienced girls, would any of them actually allow me to have sex with them. The one time I actually met a sexually inexperienced girl I attempted to cultivate a relationship and failed miserably.

When I think about what I've tried to do and what I want it just doesn't add up. How can a person "begin" sexually without a loving and trusting relationship? How can love happen without first a mutual sexual attraction? How can sexual attraction happen when one of the individuals is crippled; which in our society suffers negative connotations in both sex and romance? I have never met a girl who seems to be sexually attracted to me, not that I would know how to pick up on that.

So if I can't properly find love, and I can't find a proper sexual partner to gain some experience with, then what can I do? I feel angry and lonely and terribly frustrated and I can't seem to find the answer myself. Can you help me?

Dear JP,

I hear you! Given our superficial society based on outward appearances, any person who has a physical disability will be at a disadvantage in the dating department. Meanwhile, I sincerely hope you are having sex with yourself. As for the romance part, I'd put that aside for now, and have a sexual experience with a knowledgeable woman, rather than an inexperienced girl.

That would mean connecting with a sex professional, or finding a professional surrogate partner who would guide you through the basics. Otherwise two uninformed kids getting together usually ends up with the blind leading the blind which is often a disaster. Forget about finding "proper love" and a "proper sexual partner." Instead look for an experienced person who can teach you about sex.

A sex therapist could put you in touch with a surrogate partner. Or you could get a professional massage with a "happy ending" which would be a beginning. Or you could simply find a willing sex worker. In the UK there is an organization called "Sexual Rights for Disabled People." (use our search engine and check it out). They partner up willing sex workers with people who might not otherwise connect with another person.

Although you didn't mention what kind of disability you are dealing with, it would make sense for you to seek others with something similar to overcome. Since your question and dilemma are so well stated, maybe you are the one who will create a group that meets on campus like "Dating for Disabled Students," a "Gimps United" sort of thing. Necessity is the Mother of Invention! Just remember, I'm rooting for you. Let me know what happens.

Dr. Betty