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Dear Betty,

first of all, thank you for doing this noble work of yours.

I have been in a loving, monogamous relationship with my man for about five years.  Before him, I had six partners and not really fulfilling romantic or sexual life. My first partner was satisfying me, but I cannot even remember the details since it was very long time ago and I mostly remember being very unhappy about him not wanting to be anything else but my fuck-friend.

After him, five more partners were very disappointing, each of them in a very unique way. What they all had in common was that I wasn't having orgasms with them, nor did they want to be my boyfriends. One of them even called me frigid, convincing me that I will never have good sex life with anyone since I was "fucked up and not too attractive, so why would he even bother”.

Meanwhile, I did enjoy masturbation and orgasms it regularly gave me.

Than came my loving husband – a friend at a time. When we first had sex, it was almost tantric, gentle, very not-porn like: a true lovemaking. When I would get on top, something would happen, which I didn't experience with my other partners. It was tickling and arousing. It was like when I just started masturbating as a teenager.

It was orgasm and I was happy to finally find a man who can love me AND satisfy me in bed. I did continue to have my solo time too and yes, my solo orgasms from direct clitoral stimulation were always more intense, but I thought it was normal (I still somehow think it is…isn’t it?).

When I found out there was no such thing as vaginal orgasm, I started obsessing about what was happening when I was having partner sex. Was that NOT orgasm? If so, then what was it? Needless to say – anxiety crept in and I don't even have that arousal I used to have with him anymore.

To top it all, I am pregnant and very anxious about how our sex life will be after we have baby. Also, I am not having orgasms with him during partner sex and I asked him if he would mind me touching myself during penetration, which he said I was welcome to do and to let him know if he might help. He is very understanding about me being anxious for not having orgasms with him and he is doing a lot to help, but I just cannot bring myself to start stimulating my clitoris during penetration and not feeling awkward.

In my mind, I'm constantly repeating the sentence of my ex jerk, about "being fucked up and doomed to sexual dissatisfaction". I am very worried that, if I lose my orgasms during intercourse, my husband would leave me for someone else – even though he says he would never do that and that he would only do everything possible to help me. It is even harder since sex really used to be good between the two of us, but now I just can't seem to relax and let go. And my very wanted and planned pregnancy is not making it much easier either...

How can I relax and stop predicting catastrophes?

I know that must be the first step, but I just cannot seem to bring myself to that state of mind.

Please, help me!
A

Dear A,

Simply reach down and stimulate your own clitoris while you are fucking your husband. It's alway better if the owner of the clitoris does her own stimulation. He can help but I found it was often a distraction when my partner wanted to do my clitoris. He could only guess while I knew exactly what I wanted.

Very few women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. When a woman gets on top, she is receiving indirect clit stimulation which can lead to orgasm. We can hunker down and grind on our lovers to get what we want. But there is nothing better than using your hand or a vibrator on you clitoris while your fucking. Delicious.

How can I relax and stop predicting catastrophes? I suggest you treat your habit of doom and gloom by treating it as an addiction......one day at a time. When ever the thought comes up, simply repeat a statement that you decide on like...."I no longer allow these thoughts to enter my reality." Or something to that affect. Stop the thoughts! And keep on masturbating and enjoy your pregnancy and the new baby.

Dr Betty