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Dear Dr. Betty,

First of all, I just want to thank you so much for spreading the important knowledge about the world of sexuality. I have had a progressive upbringing with a mother who was never shy to tell me the in and outs of sex. But your site has given me a more in depth knowledge about how sex “really works” and it’s not all about the penis going into the vagina. I also appreciate encouragement you have for masturbation, as I think no one can ever know your body better than yourself.

Now to start off with, throughout my whole life I have always been in tune with myself sexually, as I’ve been having fantasies since probably around 8yrs old and then masturbating for as long as I can remember. But for so long I didn’t even realize that I was actually doing that until recently when I discovered your website a few years ago when I went away to college. Man, was my mind blown. Here, i thought i’m just waiting for my time to break out sexually, when in fact I have been sexual this whole time. So liberating, but definitely made sense once I connected the dots of my past. ;)

The issues I want your advice on is that throughout my life (especially during the critical years of puberty) I have had a multitude of hospitalizations and have a severe a case of scoliosis which leaves me with too many scars to count and a body that clearly doesn’t look close to being the norm. To be honest, the only part of my body I actually feel that looks normal is my vulva (which everyone else seems to think is deformed).

I also had a feeding tube for a long time, until at age 14 it was removed. And in total have had 19 surgeries within 22 years of my life. So you can imagine that being sexual with anyone having my background has been very tricky.

But now that I’ve had most of the surgeries that I need done with, it’s still hard to move on from my hospital past and not feel like I’m too “physically impaired or medically ill” to explore my sexuality.

I’ve been able to slowly accept my body for what it is through masturbation. Which has been miraculous breakthrough for me. But when it comes to being sexual with anyone that when it’s gets difficult. Most people either ask too many questions that are a complete turn off, or they think I’m too fragile to "get it on” with, or my mind gets so caught in being so worried about how they’ll handle seeing what my body actually looks like, it’s hard to enjoy myself in the moment.

I haven’t had much experience being with a sexual partner and have yet to be in a relationship. So I would love your advice on the following, how I can break out of my shell completely and learn to enjoy sex and have new experiences without worrying about how others are going to handle being up close and personal with my disabled body??

On another note, I am studying psychology and wish to go into disability advocacy and am very interested in how people think about sex. Especially how sex can play a role in the lives of those who have chronic illnesses or disabilities. It’s absolutely ridiculous to me how society thinks that those with disabilities are unable to have sexual lives…Not true at all, there usually so much sexual frustration that it can unbearable, but there is no outlet to explore our sexuality as some people with disabilities are surrounded by a caregiver or medical professionals or family all the time.

So your knowledge about making people more aware that the disabled are just as sexually active and want to be desired the same as able-bodied people do is quite appreciated. Thanks again. If you need me to clarify anything please let me know. Hope you can help with my dilemma.

Best Regards,
T.

Dear T,

Thanks for voicing your appreciation of my work. It has always been a joy to support women and men having better more pleasurable sexlives.

Yay for orgasms!

I had to laugh when you said, "To be honest, the only part of my body I actually feel that looks normal is my vulva (which everyone else seems to think is deformed)." It is indeed a cruel world.

When my body started changing with the aging process, I struggled with my body image with all the sagging, wrinkles, moles, warts, freckles and scars. So I had partner sex with a cute comfortable top on that gave easy access to my lower body. A conversation also helped like simply sharing (the same as you did with me) about your surgical history. You are a very brave veteran of medical procedures and deserve to be awarded a purple star. Once I was accepting of my aging body, my partner was too. It's when we're self conscious that makes others feel uncomfortable.

First times are always the most challenging. But once I simply verbalized my concerns both my partner and I felt more at ease. Also it gets easier the more you do it. So take a deep breath and speak up. Then you can laugh about it later on. There are very few women who are truly comfortable in their bodies. We can learn a lesson form men who take a lot more for granted while often thinking they're the best. I'm rooting for you. It's your turn to enjoy sex with a partner as well as continuing the love affair with yourself.

Dr. Betty