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Hello Betty,

You and Carlin made a video response to a submission I made quite some time ago about not being able to take off my bra during sex (titled "I simply can't take off my bra during sex"). I have made some progress but would like to inquire further about specific steps I should take in un-learning my extremely negative attitude towards my chest.

I think it would help if you knew more about why I began to feel this way. I will start off by first off saying that I've always been somewhat self conscious of my breasts. I honestly am repulsed by the sight of them. They are very small and somewhat pointy (unless it's cold or I am aroused). It's just so difficult to undo a lifetime of being conditioned by society to believe that a woman's worth lies in her sexual attractiveness, and that this attractiveness lies underneath her bra, and furthermore, that breasts must look a certain way to be found desirable. In addition, I have always viewed breasts as a symbol of womanhood, and do not feel very much like a woman at all in my body (I stand at a mere 5'2 and have a very young looking, petite frame).

However, my issues with my body reached their climax when I became sexually active, which was at age 18. My first partner was my high school boyfriend, and he was a self-confessed "boob man" who admitted to me at one point that my breasts were the one thing on my body that he would change. I became extremely inhibited during sex after this, and I'm afraid to say that this attitude has not improved much since.

I am now 21 years old and still suffer from extreme anxiety during sex. I am able to take my bra off at times, but the act of barring my chest to a partner is so difficult and triggering that I still would prefer to leave it on most of the time just so that I can relax enough to actually enjoy what is happening. It is a shame, I know, and what makes it even more of a shame is that I actually do really enjoy nipple stimulation but am so ashamed of my breasts that I rarely let my partners look at or touch them. Every time my bra comes off with a partner a strong feeling of inadequacy sweeps over me and I become fearful that my partner will be disappointed or even turned off by them. This anxiety is so strong that I have even been brought to tears at the attempt to show my partner my breasts before.

It remains a mystery to me why I cannot get over this hurdle. I have slept with five other men since my first partner, and none of them ever had anything negative to say about my breasts. Yet I am still scarred from my first experience.

I will finally say that my insecurities do not stem from the fear that I am not attractive. I have been told by many that I am a pretty girl, and I can believe that. I cannot come to believe, however, that I am "sexually desirable" or "womanly". All of my partners have tried telling me how much I turn them on and how sexy they find me, but these words of encouragement have proven futile as I always credit kind words like this to them not wanting to hurt my feelings.

I really do want to unlearn this toxic relationship I have with my body. From what I've told you I'm sure you can see that it is no fun at all and certainly no way to live. I'm just lost as to how exactly I go about coming to terms with my shape. I'm an intelligent young woman yet I am completely clueless as to why I can't seem to get past this.

D

Dear D,

Every time you repeat this same story about your poor itsy bitsy tiny titties, you are digging your neurotic trench deeper. Where is your anger? How dare some kid tell you what is and is not OK with your body! Stop being a victim and be responsibile for your feelings.

Since you are so affected by other people's opinion of you, I suggest you begin each day by standing in front of a mirror that reflects your nude body and express your own opinion. Say out loud whatever sentence that feels right for you. More than once for as long as it takes to re-condition your mind about the appearance of your body.

For instance: Name whatever you like best about your body and describe it). An example is "I love my face, neck or hair" Then move down to "My adorable perky breasts match the rest of my small well proportioned body". Find your own wording and then continue. Do this ritual until you undo your mental block. When we continue to hold onto a negative idea of something, it begins to control us.

Performing this daily ritual will begin to fill the negative rut of self-deprecation which has become a habit. Positive re-enforcement will work if you do it. Within a week you'll see a difference after using your new mantra daily or several times. Then get back to me and tell me about your self image improvement.  Instead of feeling badly about your body you can embrace yourself just in time for the New Year.

Dr. Betty

Hello Betty,

I apologize if I sound like a walking pity party. I know I might sound like I am exaggerating, but from what I have read I actually think I might suffer from a congenital deformity called "tuberous breasts". A quick google search of what these kind of breasts look like should show you why I am having so much difficulty.

D

Dear D,

I admire you for continuing to search for an answer. And I appreciate the fact that I learn something new everyday. Thanks for clarifying your situation.

I checked out Dr. Coleman's website with great photos of Tubular breasts, and once again, one picture was worth a thousand words.

His solution was to inject fat to fill out the underpart of the breast, not as intrusive as a breast augmentation. One image I found appealing was a young woman who had beautiful large nipples with not much breast tissue around it: she was all nipple! The other image of breasts in a tubular shape was unpleasant but not horrible unless you were the girl who owned them.

It seems you now have two choices. One approach would be to explain to a boyfriend that you have a congenital deformity called tuberous breasts. Trying to hide your problem behind a bra will make it worse. Once spoken it will take some of your embarrassment away. Most guys are primarily focused on nipples anyway which you have in abundance. The other approach would be to see a surgeon and get the fat injections to fill out your breasts. Thanks for getting back to me so I can become better informed.

Dr. Betty