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Dear Dr. Betty:

I am a twenty-five year old female, who has been sexually active since the age of 16. Never once have I had an orgasm; not by myself nor with a partner. I have been in a relationship for over a year, with a man I believe is going to be my husband one day. He is the only person I have ever told about my inability to orgasm. I always thought I would die without experiencing an orgasm. And I was okay with that.

I never thought it was something that I really needed. But now, I can honestly say, that this is a great source of sadness for me. I just want to feel what everyone else is feeling. It makes me so sad Dr. Betty. From the extensive reading I have done on the subject, I know that feelings of anxiety and pressure to have an orgasm, are top reasons why many women do not have one. But I am having trouble getting these thoughts out of my mind when I have sex and when I masturbate. I literally have no "feeling" down there 80% of the time that I have sex. If anything, I only feel pain.

Clitoral stimulation seems to be the only thing that has given me hope. I have tried it on my own, and with my boyfriend, and both times I get to this brink, where I feel like I cannot go on, and I want all touching down there to stop immediately. It's almost like a sickening feeling, like I cannot physically take it. My boyfriend wants me to talk to my doctor about it, but I am unsure that she will even be able to help me. He has mentioned seeing a sex therapist as well, but I am unsure what would happen in such sessions.

The last thing that I want to mention is my use of birth control. I have been on birth control pills since the age of fifteen, for menstrual cycle irregularities. I have constantly been on it since that time, except for about a year and a half ago, I stopped taking it for a time period of two months. For the two months that I did not take birth control pills, I literally had never felt so horny in my life. I actually had sensations that I have never felt. During these 2 months I was not having sex, so I am not sure I would have reached orgasm. And for some reason, which I cannot even explain right now, I did not experiment with masturbation. Is there any correlation between use of bcps and orgasms? Any advice that you have for me would be deeply appreciated.

Dear S,

It has been suggested that there is a connection between birth control pills and a woman's sexual response. However, it's possible that you are having small orgasms and are unable to recognize them because you hold an exaggerated image of what an orgasm is like. After we've had an orgasm small medium or large, the clitoris is hypersensitive for a few moments, sometimes longer. If you would lighten up on whatever stimulation you're using it usually passes and you can continue.

The best way to develop your orgasmic potential is through masturbation, not partnersex. Get my book Sex for One and read First Time Orgasm and follow the steps that I recommend.

Dr. Betty