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Dr. Betty,

I am a 43 year old woman, and have been married to the same man for 21 years (ok...so maybe that is my problem - not enough variety). My problem is I have never been able to experience an orgasm with a partner. I had several other partners before my husband, and it just doesn't happen for me. I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was a child, and I don't know if that has something to do with it.

I am thinking that is probably does because I have so much difficulty just relaxing during intercourse. I also have trouble letting go...this is even a problem when I am masturbating. I have trouble bringing myself to orgasm...my mind just either goes blank, or I just can't let go. I feel myself becoming aroused, and feel on the brink of orgasm, and then it just doesn't happen.

My husband is 30 years older than me and recently started taking Viagra...so we have had a renewed sex life, but it still isn't any better for me. Any suggestions that you might have would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

Dear T,

Very few women can have orgasms consistently from vaginal penetration only. Get my book "Orgasms for Two" that goes into detail explaining why this is true. Then read my essay "First Time Orgasm" and follow my step by step process. Your clitoris is your primary sex organ for pleasure. At 43 you are definitely a candidate for a good vibrator either the electric Magic Wand or the battery operated Mystic Wand. The vibrator is to women what Viagra is for men!

Just remember: Having an orgasm is NOT about relaxing, letting go, or your past experiences with grandpa. Orgasms do not happen for Sleeping Beauties, rather think of them as more athletic. An orgasm is about moving, breathing and having consistent stimulation on or around your clitoris under your control for as long as you need it whether that's twenty minutes to an hour or more.

Dr. Betty