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Dear Betty,

I am in the late stages of menopause and have been having trouble reaching orgasm. My history has been that I have only been able to have an orgasm via oral sex or with a vibrator. Lately, it is only with a vibrator and even then it is about 50% of the time. I recently began hormone replacement therapy to regulate my hormones; testosterone was particularly low. When I am having sex, I do become very excited and during intercourse my clit becomes "erect", but that seems to be the end of it - touching it or having oral sex does not increase the level of excitement I feel in my clitoris. And finding my G-spot has always been a mystery. I love intercourse but do not feel any "build up" other than a rush just before my partner comes. I'm beginning to feel depressed about not being able to have an orgasm during partnersex and my boyfriend has been very understanding but it must bother him on some level. Any advice?

Lucy

Dear Lucy,

The first thing you have to do is stop comparing your menopausal orgasms to what they once where in the past. As we age our bodies and orgasms change, sometimes for the better. When I reached the point you're at now, I embraced my vibrator without any excuses or feelings of being sexually inferior. The Hitachi Magic Wand came to bed with me and all of my partners. Get my book "Orgasms for Two" and enjoy reading about all the different things women of all ages can do.

One important thing I learned is that I don't have to come every time in order to enjoy intercourse. There's also a chapter on how I feel about the elusive G-spot. Give your body time to go all the way through this enormous change and don't lose heart. I began one of my most satisfying sexual relationships when I was 69 and the hot sex lasted for nearly 5 years. I'm now in another transition. Mostly having sex with myself right now and although I have orgasms less frequently, they remain quite enjoyable.

Betty