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Hi Dr. Betty -

I am almost 31 yo and about 9 months ago, I decided to explore my sexuality and started exploring masturbation. I learned that I can have orgasm (yes!) but I can only do it watching porn and using a strong vibrator. I use my vibrator several times a week (I have a lot of time to make up).

My question is - can a person use a vibrator too much? I have been reading that it can desensitize you to lighter stimulation because the nerve endings in the clitoris gets used to the stronger sensation. Is this true? Should I alternate with manual stimulation (which has never worked for me in the past) Also - is there a problem with too much porn? Should I just try to focus without without the visual? Any suggestions?

Dear C,

Any late starter to orgasms will have some difficulty responding to manual stimulation.  Instead of saying a vibrator will desensitize your clitoris, the fact is it has done the opposite. Your clitoris is now sensitive and responding.

However, I would suggest you begin using a lighter touch with your vibrator and dump the porn. My experience with porn is, yes, I get aroused but I keep looking for the next hot spot and by the time I've picked one, I have worn my sex energy down and the orgasm is not as good. Mentally creating my own fantasy gives me far better experiences with orgasm than porn which is based primarily on entertainment for men. Also, making up your own fantasies will activate your erotic mind. Otherwise you will only have these canned images of sex that are seldom geared toward women.

Before I engage in selfoving, I always do a vulva massage to stay "in touch." But when I reached my mid-thirties the vibrator became a good friend and a great lover. After years of sharing vibrators with my lovers, I simply see it as a sexual preference during partner sex or with myself.

Dr. Betty