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Hi there

Thanks for such an amazing site. I am 22 years old and i am an incredibly sexual person...i have and always have had a huge sexual appetite. I have been masturbating since i was a little girl, earliest i remember was about 3...i would masturbate sometimes 10 or so times a day, includng in childcare etc. I would almost always manage to get caught, either by my mother or someone else ( i have a vague memory of being caught by a childcare giver)

i was always yelled at, told to stop it, stop being so disgusting, smacked, told how naughty i was and put in time out etc. I still continued to masturbate developing a really fast harsh technique to orgasm hard and fast so as not to get caught i guess..with two fingers above my clit rubbing incredibly hard and fast until a quick orgasm followed by massive guilt.

My issue now as an adult is that i have had several sexual partners, and i am now engaged. None have ever managed to get me to orgasm...in fact i find myself almost pulling away :( because of the harshness of the way i orgasm im not able to come with anything gentler, like gentle rubbing on my clit, or licking etc...which i so desperately want..i want to be able to orgasm this way. I want my future husband to be able to make me orgasm :( im trying very hard to experiment, its like it feels good, but i cant ever actually get there..or i alllllllmost do, then its gone again :( or i pull away :(

i cant even orgasm with a regular vibrator on my clit. or through oral or regular sex..i want to change this so badly, i want to be able to cum but not through this clumsy hard "ugly feeling" way i do now :( do you have any ideas? Are my childhood issues related? what can i do? :( thankyou so much in advance, at times ive considered just giving in all together. I feel so abnormal and unfeminine and un sexy :(

xxx Hisgirl

Dear A,

I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult time playing with yourself as a child. All that yelling and punishment made you even more determined to masturbate. However, it's time for you to become your OwnGirl instead of "HisGirl" and have a love affair with yourself.

I get this question a lot from women who are unable to translate their childhood masturbation style into adult sexuality. This will take some time and a lot of patience on your part. Practice a new softer contact for 10 to 30 minutes with a genital massage and a mirror using lots of massage oil. You can end with "Old faithful" and have an orgasm so you won't get too frustrated.

To upgrade your masturbation skills, go the section titled "First Orgasm." Follow my suggested steps. While you are learning to come on your back with knees bent and feet planted on the floor, you will be flexing you PC muscle along with rocking your pelvis and breathing out loud. Then later on you will be able to stimulate your clitoris during partnersex.

It's not a good idea to focus on wanting HIM to make you come right now. We are all responsible for our own orgasms. I hear anger combined with romantic illusions. You might benefit from some professional counseling. AASECT online lists therapists all over the country. Meanwhile, our website is full of info on Female Masturbation with my books and DVD's available for your sexual education. Just don't give up.

Dr. Betty