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Dear Dr. Betty,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 13 months. Twelve months ago, a former lover texted me asking for sex. My boyfriend was devastated, and has spent the year since that incident brooding (he’s fallen into a serious depression) and, apparently, trying to make me feel bad about my sexual past.

He asks me endless questions about the men I’ve been with (the women don’t seem to bother him) and what I did with them. He often refers to people I’ve been with and how much he hates them, and goes on and on about how he just can’t understand how I could’ve done whatever he’s going on about at the moment.

Before me, he had had sex with only one other person, when he was 25. He received only negative messages about sex, sexuality, and the male body as a child and as an adolescent. He never had any male role models, and was often bullied in school for his feminine mannerisms and ways of relating to people. His first long-term girlfriend was also very negative about sex and seemed disgusted by his penis and sexuality. He and I have great sex, yet he continues to insist that he’s not good at or able to handle sexual things. We’ve had sex in many different ways, and still he feels that other people “got more” from me.

I’ve always been very open with him about my past, probably too open. I had no idea how incompatible our views would be, much less how miserable it would make him. I’ve always been sexual and open to experimentation, secretly one of those adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse who thinks people will only like me if I give them sex. I’ve known since I was 17 that I was bisexual, and I’ve been reading Dr. Dodson and others for 10 years, so I have had a range of sexual experiences. I always felt fine about that until now. I never had much self-esteem before him, and he persuaded me that I was wonderful and worthwhile and that I didn’t deserve to be treated badly by anyone. Then he started treating me badly. I know intellectually that it’s not right for him to judge me and yell at me, especially since I have been a wonderful and faithful girlfriend to him.

I have talked to him about the way he treats me, and he says he’ll stop, but he always does it again. He refuses to get professional help with his depression and obsessive thoughts about my sexual history. He’s seen 3 different counselors and decided that each of them was against him somehow. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been hoping for a year that if I was just devoted enough and adoring enough and understanding enough that eventually things would get better. I feel like there should be something I can do to help. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

Thank you.

A

Dear A,

If you have any respect for yourself and want to continue to grow and enjoy a healthy sex life, get away from this poor disturbed boy.

You said that you were "one of those adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse who thinks people will only like me if I give them sex." Well Darling, I suggest you heal yourself before you take on Mr. Sex Neurotic. You deserve much better.

I suggest you spend some healing time with other women and give yourself an abundance of orgasms by having a passionate love affair with yourself. I'm rooting for you to grow and change and get a sex partner you deserve, not this grumpy, spoiled, demanding little brat that you have now. We can rarely change another person but we can change ourselves if we make up our minds to do so.

Dr. Betty