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Dear Dr. Betty,

My name's A, and I'm a 21-year old female virgin. For my 21-st B-day three weeks ago, I decided to try something new with my masturbation life and buy myself my first genuine vibrator. After a few days of researching for the best one, I settled for a $40 silicone clitoral vibe and was thrilled to start using it.

And, like most youth, I was impatient and slammed the vibe onto my vulva expecting to feel instant gratification... well, it did feel good for about 1-2 mins, but then my vulva got numb and I got frustrated and just stopped. So, ever since then I've been experimenting with different techniques to make using a vibrator work for me.

See, I've been masturbating since I was 8-11 years old. I remember first feeling aroused when my older female cousin showed me a B-rated porno and my "naughty bits" started tingling and aching, and I felt like I had to go the bathroom, but when I did nothing came out. A few weeks after that, I waited until my mom was asleep and looked at some random porn vid on the internet because I wanted to feel that strangle tingly/aching sensation again.

Sure enough, I got aroused. Only this time, I started to gently touch myself through my panties, and this contact felt so good and pleasurable that I sat up for an hour or so just touching myself. I didn't have an orgasm, but it did feel really good, so I kept at it as the weeks went on until finally I had a small, but pleasurable orgasm while humping the side of my waterbed.

Ever since then, I started to masturbate regularly. I didn't feel comfortable touching myself directly with my hands (I didn't really know what to do with my hands and since I don't shave my pubes, rubbing the hair just felt weird) so I kept touching myself through my panties with a cheap back massager that I used so much it burned out, and a rechargeable toothbrush that met the same fate soon after.

I quickly realized that relying on these things wasn't good, so I forced myself to touch myself with my hands. I started reaching orgasms by rubbing myself through my panties, when as I grew older started to touch myself directly on my genitals, using a little bit of organic coco oil to help soften my pubes so the friction wouldn't become painful.

Since then up until now, I have no problem arousing myself or orgasming every time I decide to masturbate. And if I must say, I feel I've gotten quite good at pleasuring myself. If I wish, I can make myself have small blip-gasms that last about a second, to thigh-shaking orgasms that go for 1-3mins at a time. I'm not entirely sure what you'd classify my masturbation technique as, but basically, I use my left hand to rub to lower half of my outer labia up and down while masturbating (so indirect clitoral? I don't penetrate myself at all).

Which leads us back to the vibrator problem I'm having - for the life of me, I can't orgasm with a vibrator.

From the first experience with it, I quickly realized I couldn't just hold the vibrator on my genitals without them going numb within 1-2 mins. I DO feel pleasure from the vibe, but just as soon as the pleasure comes I immediately feel numb everywhere the vibe touched, and eventually get frustrated and unaroused so I just stop.

So, I started to experiment: I tried using the lightest and softest of touches on the lowest setting possible, and again it felt good, but then I eventually lost all feeling down there. Since my vibe came with seven different speeds and patterns, I tried them all out with similar results - 1-2 mins of pleasure, followed by slow-to-come-but-inevitable temporary numbness.

Thinking my technique was to blame, I researched online and tried out several "styles" of masturbating for women:

the feather-like touch technique
the draw-the-letters-of-the-alphabet-on-your-coochie technique
the poke/prod technique
the hand-and-vibe duo technique,
the arouse-yourself-to-the-point-of-cumming-then-use-your-vibe technique
the hold-the-vibe-between-your-legs technique
the rest-the-vibe-on-your-crotch technique

And while every technique I tried did feel good and make me all hot and bothered, I would eventually, inevitably, unfortunately become either slightly or 100% numb.

Every.single.time.

It baffles me, because I assumed that since I used to be able to orgasm with a $2 back massager and an electric toothbrush as a child that surely a "genuine" sex toy with lots of speeds and patterns would feel even better, right? Apparently not. I just feel frustrated that after all the time and effort I put into making this vibe work, I haven't gotten any farther then where I started.

Which is why I'm asking this question: What else can I possibly do to make this vibrator situation work out? I contacted the company of the sex toy I bought, and they suggested I try a stimulating clit balm they sell (in short, they wanted to make me buy something). I also asked other people on the internet, and the general consensus was for me to buy another, more expensive (think $200+) toy or to just not bother using a vibrator, as my body and a vibe "don't agree" with each other.

Thank You,
A

Dear A,

Actually longer questions are easier to answer instead of getting insufficient information. Read your question again and note that you first discovered masturbation after getting "turned on" watching porn. So your mind was already engaged which means you need to have some kind of a fantasy for your self-loving sessions.

Since the age of 8 you've been using some form of indirect vulva contact either touching through your panties or humping the edge of the bed. Even with your electric toothbrush, the vibes were more gentle. Then you invest $40 in your first vibrator which I would suspect created Great Expectations.

Now review your masturbation beginnings. Any electric vibration will be far stronger than anything you've experienced so far. I think you had a fast come but didn't recognize it, and that's when clitty shuts down to recover after firing off all 8,000 nerve endings. Give her a rest and within a few minutes she will go again. This is one scenario.

You've already figured out that you cannot leave the vibe in one place. Since your masturbation beginnings were all indirect, use a cloth or keep your panties on while vibrating. Rock your pelvis, breathe fully and flex your PC muscle instead of "waiting" for some orgasmic miracle to consume you!

And why be in such a hurry to go mechanical when your old hand-jobs were working? I know I'm basically responsible for turning millions of women on to vibrators, but I didn't get into them until I was nearly 40 years old. Slow down! There are many advantages to manual sex such as having orgasm from a lovers touch. Otherwise your vibrator joins you in bed each time with partner sex.

Whle some lovers really appreciate that you can get off by yourself, others want to "give you" an orgasm and the best is a partner who wants to share orgasms. While I continue to believe we are each responsible for our own orgasms, it's also fun to have a lover "do you." And it's even more fun to share masturbation together where you can both learn how each one likes to be touched.

It sounds to me like you would benefit from doing some vulva mirror work. Giving yourself a vulva massage while watching in a mirror. Give her a pet name. Talk to her and don't forget to conjure up sexy fantasies in your mind. Much better than watching canned porn that caters to men's fantasies and mostly leaves us out. Otherwise, I'd say you are doing great. Keep practicing with the understanding that we all have a lifetime to master any art form, including sex with ourselves. Wishing you many happy orgasms,

Dr. Betty

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