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Covid lockdown happened on the heels of our Goop episode. We'd received thousands of emails - our workshops were booked with wait lists - then everything went dark.  Betty was dying and I was making healthcare decisions over the phone.  

With a broken heart, I put together "virtual Bodysex" drawing upon my workshop experience, concepts Betty had impressed upon me, and a desire to hold space for women during this difficult time.  

I worked with 400 women in 40 countries/45 states from different cultures and backgrounds but with one shared desire: to connect to their orgasm.  As I looked over my excel spreadsheet, I started to see patterns so I reached out to Debby Herbenick at Indiana University.  

She had me complete research training and signed on to help me turn my data into research. Consent forms were sent out, personal information was redacted, and we quantified the Betty Dodson method of self-love and independent orgasm.  We proved Bodysex. 

132 women participated.  It was an honor to work with each woman.  Thank you for the trust -thank you for sharing your stories – thank you for lending your experience to guide womankind. 

Betty Dodson’s Bodysex® Workshops

Bodysex started as a “conscious fantasy”. Betty’s journal entry October 12, 1971:

“just woke up and had a conscious fantasy – to share with my sisters next Saturday.  We have decided to engage in a radical therapy to bring us all together. We will privately hold an all-female orgy with a ritual based upon loving the glorious (vulva). We will share our vulvas with each other and every member will masturbate to orgasm.”

It’s bold and it’s brilliant but how did Betty get there?  She had to have the courage at 18, with $400 in her pocket, to leave Kansas and head to New York City to become an artist.  In 1950, women couldn’t lease apartments or open bank accounts or apply for credit cards.  She was on her own and the art world had no space for women. 

Then she had to spend 10 years in a sexless marriage.  The ink was wet on her divorce papers when the Sexual Revolution started.  At 40, she met Grant, a NYU professor, and they explored the group sex scene.  This was at a time when there was no online pornography – women didn’t see sex.  Betty was seeing sex. 

Betty quickly realized that the women were faking orgasms but the men were not.  At the end of the night, the women found themselves vibrating together and the energy was different.  In her own words, “it was magic”. 

During this period, feminism was growing as a movement and Betty joined her local conscious raising group (which included Gloria Steinem and the women at Ms. Magazine). Betty wanted to focus on sexual equality for women and Gloria encouraged her to start with own group.   

All Betty knew was that she would run her group in the nude.  She understood that group nudity created a sense of shared vulnerability.  Then she would have the women answer two questions: how do you feel about your body?  How do you feel about your orgasm?  And that was it.  She created the space, enrolled the women, but had no idea what she would do for the rest of the workshop. 

Betty used to say that if you get a group of women together that they’ll tell you what they need.  This is how genital show and tell was borne. 

During group share, a woman confided that there was something wrong with her vulva; her husband had never “seen one like that”.  No one in the group understood exactly what she was talking about so the women asked her to show them.  All of a sudden, she opened her thighs and displayed her vulva.  Betty said she broke out in a cold sweat.  Then she was captivated.  One by one each woman shared their vulva - they all were different.  The shame melted away. 

The women created genital show and tell.

During another workshop, Betty shared her group masturbation fantasy.  They would all orgasm together and the energy would lift the building and everyone in the surrounding areas would start pleasuring themselves.  The women announced, “let’s do it”.  Before Betty could hesitate, Sheila (her co-creator) jumped up, pulled out their case of vibrators,  plugged them in and everyone started stimulating themselves.  The orgasms started and each woman had a different build up.  No one looked or sounded the same. 

The women created erotic recess. 

Betty ran these workshops for almost two decades taking a break in the early 90s. In 2008, we relaunched the workshops after the success of our Bodysex documentary.  We held 10 workshops a year for the last 13 years.  Those were beautiful times. 

My Background

When I was still practicing law, I rolled up the assets of a failed dot.com including a lifestyle brand for women. I found myself fantasizing about building an online platform for women to connect to pleasure and express their sexuality.  Then the New York Times called.  They were working on a feature about professional women moving into the sexuality space.  I was interviewed and it ended up on the front page in 2007.  Grant cut out the article and gave it to Betty. 

I was outed as a sex expert with no PhD or training of any sort; I was simply orgasmic.  So I decided to I launch a podcast.  That would force me to read the books of the greats before I interviewed them.  This is how I met Betty.

We ran workshops, released weekly youtube clips, published Betty’s memoir and filmed our Bodysex documentary. Thousands of women walked through Betty’s door. 

After our last workshop – which we didn’t know was our last – Betty looked across the table at me and announced, “you’re better than me”.  I looked deeply into her eyes and knew she meant it.  I loved Betty.  She was my mother, sister, best friend, mentor – there isn’t a word to describe our relationship.  She kicked open the door and I walked through it.  Her brilliance was my foundation and I am forever grateful. 

Covid was a unique time in our history – similar to the Sexual Revolution.  We were locked down staring death in the face but we had zoom.  Several of the women from our Bodysex community reached out and asked if we could jump on a group call.  I sent out an email blast and 100 women showed up.  I thought we’d just talk but then one of the women raised her wand over her head and exclaimed, “I though we were all going to masturbate”. 

Erotic recess via zoom was the furthest thing from my mind but it became our lifeline.  Every Sunday we would get together for one hour – we’d talk, share orgasms and forget that the world was falling down around us. This is where I demo’d virtual genital show and tell.  I talked about my ideas and got their feedback.  I put together a page and my first client registered.

The women created virtual Bodysex. 

How I Collected Data

Ultimately, this research happened because of the pandemic and technology.  I worked with more women in 3 years than Betty did in 4 decades. Sessions were stacked, 4-6 per day with women all over the world: single moms on a budget, disabled women who couldn’t travel, and women living in totalitarian regimes. 

A great benefit of taking the work virtual was that I could take notes. Imagine displaying your vulva or building up to orgasm with someone jotting down notes on a legal pad.  You could never do it in a live session or workshop.  With zoom, my pad was off screen. 

This is how I collected data: I wrote down what I saw and witnessed. Then after each session, I would enter the data in a spreadsheet to keep track of clients.  Very often, I had 3 clients named “Emily”.  That’s when the patterns emerged. 

Then there was their sex essay.

The Sex Essay

To book our first session, I had each woman write up their sex essay. They answered the following questions:

Your religious upbringing; parent’s attitude towards sex
Your first memory of masturbation
Your first partner sex
Your current sex life
Your sex goal - what you desire

When we put pen to paper, it becomes our past.  More importantly, we can see the dysfunctional pattern we experienced. This process is exactly like the first group share in a workshop when we answer the questions: how do you feel about your body? How do you feel about your orgasm? 

I had one client who took 2 years to write her sex essay but she got there.  Writing our history makes us confront our shame.  I entered this information into my spreadsheet.   

Once I received their sex essay, we’d book their first session: education. 

Education

This was our first face-to-face meeting.  I would welcome them, ask them were they were from, and thank them for sharing their story. Then I’d ask them if they had all the items needed for sessions: oil for lubricant, vibrator, and the barbell for penetration (they could use their hands if they preferred or any vibe that they already had at home).  This is also when I’d ask them about their current masturbation practice advising that there were no wrong answers.  Finally, I’d share my screen and take them through the following:

Vulva styles

Internal clitoris

Female model of sexual response

Urethral Sponge 

Pelvic Floor Muscle

At the end, I would ask them if they had any questions.  They never did.  They were hearing this information for the first time.  I went through this same session again and again with women all over the world – for many, English wasn’t their first language.  I paid attention to my word choice and how I introduced concepts – noticing when they smiled or kept eye contact.  I honed my message for my audience so that I could be received.  

The women created education.   

Homework: Vulva Massage

The women had homework between sessions: audio podcasts that guided them through exercises.  They started with vulva massage.  The first step in connecting to your orgasm is making a tactile connection to your sex organ.  They were instructed to touch every part of their vulva – no orgasm.  When we take orgasm off the table, we feel more because there’s no goal – there’s no failure.  Also, there are so many erogenous zones on a vulva - you have to touch them all to figure out what you prefer. 

Genital Show and Tell

This session started with a simple question: how did vulva massage go? I recorded their response in my notes and, for each woman, made the following statement: vulva massage was about creating a tactile connection with your vulva.  Today, we going to create a visual connection with your vulva. 

Then I would guide them step-by-step. Setting up their camera so they had a good view would take a few minutes.  This is when I’d build trust.  I stayed in - we made adjustments until they could see themselves clearly. 

They were prompted to put some oil on their hands and apply it to their vulva.  I’d ask them to show me which strokes they preferred during vulva massage and recorded their responses in my notes (I also recorded any aversion or difficulty keeping their hands on their vulva).  I told them their vulva style and we found all the structures together: the clitoris, clitoral shaft, inner/outer labia, urethral opening, urethral sponge, and pelvic floor muscle.   

Finally, they put both hands on their vulva, closed their eyes, and made a promise to their vulva – something that they wanted for her.  They could say it out loud or in their minds. 

Homework: Rock n Roll Technique

After genital show and tell, I would explain their homework.  They would watch video clips of me doing Betty’s Rock n Roll Orgasm technique (combining clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration while breathing and rocking their pelvis).  Then, they would practice the Rock n Roll with a guided audio podcast.  They understood that I didn’t expect them to orgasm. Finally, I’d describe our next session: guided Rock n Roll. 

Guided Rock n Roll

Guided Rock n Roll wasn’t part of my initial design. I had planned the Rock n Roll homework but figured we’d talk through their experience in the next session.  However, my very first client asked if I could watch her do the Rock n Roll because she didn’t think she was doing it correctly.  I confirmed that she was comfortable and moved forward (I also broke out in a cold sweat).

The women created guided Rock n Roll.

During these sessions, I guided each client step-by-step.  They weren’t performing for me.  We started with vulva massage and would add clitoral stimulation then vaginal penetration and, finally, put all the movements together.  Depending on what I saw in each woman’s body, I would change the instruction.  I could see their preference.  They were reminded to breath…take breaks if needed…and keep going. 

I documented the exact time with what was happening/changing within the body: how long they did vulva massage, how long it took to slowly penetrate their vagina, and how long it took them to experience each orgasm wave.  Finally, I documented how their body experienced orgasm with a code:

BL (butt lifting); LT (leg tension); SD (sounds); HB (head back); SH (shaking); MO (mouth open)

I learned more in 3 years than in a decade of workshops. Just like Betty, I was seeing sex.  Most sessions lasted 60 minutes but some Rock n Rolls went to 2 hours.  In all, I spent 1,500 hours watching women build up to orgasm and they all got there. 

Homework: Fantasy

At the end of guided Rock n Roll, I would introduce the next week’s homework – fantasy.  I sent them links to resources including audio erotic apps, feminist pornography, and written erotica (short stories/long form/audio books).  This was an exercise in self-knowledge, understanding what inspires them sexually. I advised that sometimes you make a connection and sometimes you find a limit. 

This process normalized arousal and combatted the shame many clients feel thinking sexual thoughts. 

Final Session

For our last session, we would talk through what they preferred.  I would encourage them to keep going with the Rock n Roll using fantasy to lengthen the time of their self-pleasure sessions.  For many, it was the first time they created a fantasy image in their mind.  The process gave them permission to express their interests and understand the role of fantasy in creating desire. 

Each client had my personal email address and were encouraged to reach out with any questions. Several kept the connection.  One client sent my son a bedtime reading book. My first client sends me a Christmas card every year.

RESULTS

These results were authored by Callie Patterson1, Debby Herbenick1,3, and Shahzarin Khan1,3.   

1 Center for Sexual Health Promotion, Indiana University School of Public Health, Indiana University. Bloomington, IN. United States. 

2 Department of Public Health, Des Moines University, West Des Moines, IA. United States.

3 Department of Applied Health Science, Indiana University School of Public Health, Indiana University. Bloomington, IN. United States. 

Participant Characteristics 

Participants were 132 women between the ages of 21 and 74 (mean = 42.42, SD = 12.17, median = 40) who had participated in one-on-one virtual Bodysex® sessions and who consented to have their data included in the present study. 

These women lived in 33 countries and 23 US states. Participants were

White (n = 89, 67%), 

Asian/Asian American (n = 7, 5.3%), 

Black (n = 4, 3%), 

Hispanic/Latina (n = 11, 8.3%), and 

Middle Eastern (n = 5, 3.8%). 

Thirteen participants (9.8%) identified as Jewish. 

A majority of the sample 93.2% hadn’t received information about sex growing up. 

More than three-quarters of women 79% described shame through their sex essays or during their virtual Bodysex® session.

More than half of women 59.1% disclosed specific trauma or abuse related to their sexuality. 

Vulva Massage

41.7% of participants reported that vulva massage allowed them to feel more or better sensations or that they liked or loved the feelings associated with vulva massage. 

Other common reactions included that vulva massage was difficult 13.6% or feeling resistance to vulva massage, often taking multiple attempts before they were able to engage in vulva massage 13.6%. 

Some participants noted a specific area that they most enjoyed touching, or that felt the best 13.6%. Nine participants 9% noted that the vulva massage evoked feelings of shame, anxiety, sadness, or that they cried. Eight participants 6.1% indicated that they had experienced orgasm or ejaculation from engaging in vulva massage.

Women also described the vulva massage as feeling: 

different or new (3%), 

pleasurable, enjoyable, or fun (3.8%), 

erotic/arousing (3.8%), 

powerful or empowering (3.8%). 

Several participants said the vulva massage felt like they were had been given permission or invited to love their vulva 2.3%, that they felt a release from trauma through vulva massage 3%, or that they enjoyed not having a goal or feeling pressured to orgasm through vulva massage 3%. 

Finally, three participants responded with an observation about or description of their vulva (e.g., that their vulva was soft or kind). Other miscellaneous responses that didn’t fall into a category included mentions of feeling in control, enjoying the use of oil for vulva massage, using breathing techniques, using “tender touch,” feeling like they were making progress, feeling numbness at first and then pleasure, describing their clitoris as feeling “invigorated,” feeling like it “gave (her) energy,” and that their vulva felt “alive.” 

Clitoral Sensitivity

Most frequently, participants experienced clitoral sensitivity when touching their clitoral shaft 44.7%, or clitoris more generally 12.9% and 25.8% reported enjoying direct clitoral stimulation followed by circular motions 6.8%. 

Vaginal Sensation 

In their descriptions of vaginal sensations, participants most frequently noted experiencing the most sensation at the urethral sponge 18.2%, vaginal opening 6.8%, perineum, 3% and labia 2.3%. Fifteen participants reported feeling pain, tightness and/or burning sensations 11.4% and four specifically noted vaginismus 4%. 

Orgasm and Buildup

Prior to their first session: education, more than half 56.8% of women reported either never having had an orgasm or having “lost” their orgasm at some point, and 40.9% reported only having previously experienced a small orgasm. Through virtual Bodysex® sessions, most women 68.9% were able to experience orgasm with one Rock ‘n Roll session, while one quarter did so with two sessions 25%, and 3% of women experienced orgasm in their third Rock ‘n Roll sessions. 

Participants took between 3-32 minutes to reach orgasm (M = 12.49; SD = 6.435, median = 12) and 6-48 minutes to reach full body orgasm through Rock ‘n Roll sessions (M = 19.69, SD = 7.776, median = 18)

Time to orgasm and time to full body orgasm did not significantly differ among women who never previously had/lost their orgasm (time to orgasm: M = 13.12; time to full body orgasm: M = 21.11) compared to women who had experienced/had not lost orgasm (time to orgasm: M =12.36; time to full body orgasm: M = 17.74). 

**Women who reported teen masturbation (M = 11.18) compared to women who did not report teen masturbation (M = 13.76) demonstrated significantly shorter time to orgasm. 

**The same was observed for full body orgasm; compared to women who did not report teen masturbation (M = 21.39), women who reported teen masturbation (M = 16.80) demonstrated significantly shorter time to full body orgasm. 

No significant differences in time to orgasm or full body orgasm were observed for childhood masturbation or adulthood masturbation.

A total of 21 combinations of orgasm buildup characteristics were observed. 

Legs tensing (79.3%), 

buttocks lifting (73.8%), 

sounds (57.3%) and 

shaking (56.1%)   

No specific combination of characteristics was observed in the majority of the sample. However, the combination of head back, legs tensing, buttocks lifting, sounds, and shaking was observed in nearly a quarter of the women.

DISCUSSION

Bodysex Diversified

Taking the sessions virtual diversified Bodysex.  Before Covid, you had to have the time and money to travel to Manhattan to take a live workshop.  Our participants skewed white and upper class. 

I’m proud that women of color felt safe to work together online: 5.3% were Asian, 3% were black, and 8.3% were Hispanic. The cherry on top: 3.8% of my clients were from the Middle East.  I remember working with my client in Iran. She placed a towel at base of her door and spoke in whispers to avoid a visit from the police but we got to that orgasm.  Her fiancée was supportive and she’d enter marriage an orgasmic woman. 

Disabled women…older women…single moms with young children could log on and experience Bodysex from anywhere in the world. If they felt uneasy at any time, they could simply close their lap top. That broadened our reach to include women willing to stick their big toe in the Bodysex pool before jumping in.

Because of zoom, I was able to work with women from varied backgrounds and walks of life.  More importantly, I could drop the price and expand globally from the privacy of my own home. 

What became clear is that there isn’t a country in the world where women are free to express their sexuality. And I shared this fact with every client; my refrain was “it is work to become a fully sexual woman”.

Lack of Information is the Main Block to Orgasm

From 13 years of groups shares, I believed that trauma was the main block to female pleasure. It seemed that sexual equality for women could never be achieved in a rape culture.  59.1% of participants did experience trauma – a high number – but 93.2% received no information about their sexuality. 

Put simply: the world runs on the male model of sexual response.  We see actresses achieve orgasm in 2-3 minutes from vaginal penetration alone - simultaneously with their partner. We do the same things in the same amount of time and don’t have the same results.  I’ve never worked with a client who blamed anyone but themselves for their inability to achieve orgasm. 

Penises don the halls of every museum yet we don’t see images of our sex organ. Without a baseline of what an average vulva looks like, you’re unsure where you stand. Imagine going out into the world never having looked at your face in the mirror.  How would you know who you are or have a semblance of self-esteem? 

If you don’t understand that there are a range of vulva styles or how your body works - what brings you pleasure - how are you ever going to connect to orgasm.   No information is misinformation. 

In just two hours of sessions, we were able to heal decades of shame and self-doubt.  Participants received complete information about the female model of sexual response, vulva diversity and pleasure anatomy.  Then, they made a visual connection with their vulva during genital show and tell.  Being witnessed enabled them to see the beauty and take ownership of their sex organ for their own pleasure.   

Finally, the guided Rock n Roll sessions allowed them to experience pleasure outside of romance.  This is critical for women who are conditioned to believe that they can only orgasm if they’re in love.  If they could orgasm with me over zoom, then they could orgasm with any partner drawing upon this positive experience where they were vulnerable, went within, and achieved orgasm on their own. 

The More You Touch the More You Feel

Vulva massage is the game changer. 41.7% of participants felt more after doing vulva massage for one week - 20 minutes a day.  It’s so simple yet so profound.  Touch creates blood flow and orgasm is simply about blood flow - for women as well as men.  I love that any woman anywhere in the world can pop on my podcast, oil up their hands, and start their journey to orgasm.  It costs you nothing and it doesn’t matter what you look like or how anyone feels about you. 

Creating a ritual of touch pushes out the shame.  Once you start to feel, then you’re ready to move forward to orgasm.  Touch is the healing.

Most participants liked touching their clitoral shaft 44.7% but many 25% liked going directly on their clitoris.  Others preferred around the clitoris at 12.9%.  Often, I’d be working with a client who thought they preferred direct clitoral stimulation but, during guided Rock n Roll, it was clear that they preferred the vibe to be just under the clitoris closer to the vaginal opening. 

Finally, you can only know how you like to be touched if you try different techniques.  Do you prefer a soft, light stroke with one finger down the length of your vulva….two fingers on either side of your clit in the wishbone…maybe two hands doing the wishbone…or the crown favorite full circles with one hand gliding over your clitoris.  Pressure, speed, variation: we try it all to figure out what works best. 

Pleasure takes time and effort. 

There is No Limit to Female Pleasure

The hardest part of becoming orgasmic is shifting your belief system from scarcity to abundance.  As women, we have the most sophisticated sex organ on the planet capable of endless pleasure that never ages but we have to believe it.  We have to overcome thousands of years of gaslighting and decades of bad sex.   

The orgasm gap exists because the world runs on the male model of sexual response.  The female model is very different. 

Kinsey put the average time from penetration to ejaculation for men at 5 minutes.  Let’s give them ten.  The female model of sexual response is waves of good feelings that come in and go out. For most women, when that first wave comes in and goes out they believe that they’ve lost their orgasm.  They are comparing themselves to the male model of sexual response.

These orgasm waves will keep coming for as long as you stimulate your body – there is no end.  On average, the first wave takes 12.49 minutes of stimulation. That’s about 7 minutes more than your male counterpart.  Right as they’re finishing, we’re starting our orgasm build up.

Most women can’t make that 5-minute window. So, if you’re heterosexual, then you’re going to have to start first or stimulate yourself during foreplay or keep going after they finish to get your orgasm.  Betty used to hit her first orgasm wave before she would call in her partner (she whistled for him).  Personally, I use my vibe while I perform oral sex to hit my first wave.  That way I’m primed and ready for my second wave before I’m penetrated.  There are times when I want to keep going – maybe my partner stimulates my nipples or kisses my neck while I vibrate – we call this partner assisted masturbation.   

To get to that full body orgasm, you’re looking, on average, at 19.69 minutes.  In my opinion, not a long time.  How many Netflix episodes did you binge during lockdown?  You’re worth 20 minutes. Again, we have to believe that the waves are coming to get to the full body orgasm. 

I would email clients my write up of their Rock n Roll session - sometimes that made the difference. Knowing that their first wave came in 12 minutes and then each wave after that came in 3-minute intervals followed by the full body in 22 minutes gave them certainty.  I advise every woman to masturbate with a clock and pad next to the bed.  Note when you start…hit each wave…and hit that full body.  How did your orgasm feel: like heat, electricity? This information will support your partner sex. 

Finally, the diversity in women’s orgasm is quite remarkable.  There’s no one way to orgasm; there’s no one spot to touch; and there’s no one orgasm build up.  I observed 21 combinations of orgasm build up characteristics. Your orgasms will always be there shifting, changing, and growing.  And your orgasm will always carry you through anything life throws at you. 

Conclusion

The female model of sexual response must be taught. 

Our sexual experience must be acknowledged by the culture. Vulva diversity, the internal clitoris, combining clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration – this is straight forward information that should be part of the public discourse. Ultimately, the orgasm gap is really a ten-minute window…women just need a bit more time to get fully aroused because our erectile tissue is inside our body.  Our experience must be honored and included.

Young women and girls need the time and space to explore their bodies. 

Among the participants, those who masturbated in their teens reported a shorter time to orgasm as adults.  Can you imagine how different your life would have been if the women in your community encouraged you to explore your body, if you experienced Bodysex rituals before any sort of partner sex?  Our self-esteem would soar. We would speak our minds and state our pleasure. 

Betty always said that masturbation is the foundation of all human sexuality.  This is where healthy sexual development begins.  First, we must know ourselves. Masturbation IS sex.

As women, we need to break the cycle of shame. 

The most feminist, revolutionary act you can do is touch your body simply because it feels good. But it’s not enough. As women, we must share our experience with others to normalize female sexual expression. 

When the producers for our Goop episode called, I was having a bad day.  They asked the same question I’d heard a million times and I’d had enough. I announced, “you know what women need to see.  They need to see a real vulva and a real orgasm”.  There was silence on the other end of the phone.  They she replied, “I’ll have to run it past leadership and get back to you”.

At each step in the production, I didn’t believe any of it would make it to air.  It wasn’t until they sent over the invite for the premier that it became real. I was overcome with fear that I’d jeopardized the relationship with my son, that I would embarrass him as he got older.  Then I imagined the women who’d watch our episode and how it could change their lives. I had no regrets. 

Sitting in the theater watching the vulvas dance across the screen – I grabbed Betty’s hand - tears in my eyes - and said “we did it”. After the screening, they’d set up media interviews.  I anticipated the “slut” sucker-punch but it never came. The journalists were in awe of my courage expressing their admiration for my sacrifice.  In that moment, I realized that if you make yourself vulnerable and speak a truth you will be respected.  There is no shame in expressing my sexuality. 

Thank you, Betty Dodson, for leading the way. Thank you, Debbie Herbenick, for supporting the research.  And thank you, Carlin Ross, for sitting in front of your lap top - hours on end - guiding women to orgasm.