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Hi there!

I feel like my story has a lot of weird details, so thank you ahead of time for your patience. I am experiencing some issues with orgasm and am looking for advice and help.

I got married a three years ago in my early 20s. I was a virgin until my wedding night, so the only sexual experience I have has been with my husband (my husband was not a virgin, not sure if you might need to know that as well). Even though we didn’t have sex before marriage, we have always had a lot of chemistry. I remember I would become very aroused just from making out, even with no petting or serious touching.

About 6 weeks before our wedding, I started taking birth control pills. I was really diligent about it and didn’t miss a single day. I have really irregular periods and I have a very small frame, so I was very concerned about the pill affecting my body and emotions. Because of this, my GYN prescribed me a pill that she said had the lowest amount of estrogen needed.

At first, my sex life with my husband was great (past the few first awkward weeks). I mean it was really great, and it was really easy for me to get orgasms, both clitoral and vaginal. I almost always got them before he did as well. I was so proud of my body.

But because of how the birth control affected my body specifically, I wasn't getting my period, even when I was on my “off” days and supposed to get at least some spotting. Being my first sexual relationship, I was terrified that I was going to get pregnant really quickly, and not having my period only freaked me out more. I was taking pregnancy tests all the time and nervous about every small gurgle in my stomach.

I talked to my GYN about this and she suggested putting me on the next level of pills that had a little more estrogen to ensure I got my period. So at about 6 months of being married, I started taking these new pills, and it worked like a charm! I started getting my period on my “off” days. But I started to notice some change in me, both in my emotions and my ability to orgasm. It was like I was a dimmer light with my libido, and over the span of a few months, my orgasms became less frequent, and more difficult to reach each time. I stopped taking my birth control believing this to be the culprit. When I told my OB about this after quitting the pill, she assured me that the birth control would have left my system in the first few days, and that maybe my problem reaching orgasm had more to do with my relationship with my husband than the pills.

She suggested that I should seek a therapist. Now marriage was of course more difficult after the honeymoon period was over, but I was still very much in love with my husband but believed her and thought that it must be some mental or emotional block, and that it was my only option.

So I started seeing a therapist. Although seeing a therapist was actually really helpful with my emotion health, and my intimacy with my husband, it didn’t do much to affect my libido or my body. Over time I started believing that my issue must not be purely emotional, because I feel very emotionally healthy now and have a really great relationship with my husband. My only real emotional stress being from what this issue creates.

My husband is very aware of this struggle and we talk about it often. He is always very giving and constantly trying different things to help me peak. But this doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a small sense of shame when I can’t join him in his pleasure - as well as make me more than a little bummed because I remember how good orgasms felt. This pressure is there especially because I am only in my mid 20s and apparently that is when you are “supposed" to be having the best sex of your life, right?

Now here I am. I haven’t had a vaginal orgasm since around my 6-month of marriage, and it’s now been 2.5 years since then. I can still reach orgasm through my clitoris, but it is such a different feeling now than it used to be. It is almost too much. I start to convulse and usually have to push my husband away from me. Thinking this must be some mental block, I try to push through this feeling, but it never seems to be pleasurable without also being kind of painful.

I think now I just am confused on whether this issue is emotional, chemical, physical, or something else entirely. I just feel broken, and the worst part is that I can’t even figure out what the issue is. I just recently began taking some supplements like Maca and Horny Goat Weed, thinking that maybe the root is hormonal or even dietary. Really I am just lost at what to do next and I don’t feel like there is a safe place to discuss this with someone.

Thank you for providing a space and for reading my story.
T

Dear T,

So sorry to hear your problems with sexually uninformed doctors. Even your therapist had little to no understanding about female sexuality and gynecologists of all people know even less. One lesson I hope you learn from this difficult phase is to be your own doctor. No one knows your body better than you do.

Many women have reported a loss of interest in sex after being on the pill. I never went near the pill not wanting some chemical to screw around with my hormones. I went through America's Sexual Revolution happily and safely using a diaphragm and it's what I recommend today. The only time it didn't work is when I forgot to use it or mistakenly believed I was in a "safe" period of my menstrual cycle.

The pill plus the time of living together would naturally dampen your sex drive. As for vaginal orgasms, both Carlin and I agree they only happened in the early stages of romantic love but they soon disappeared. We recommend vaginal penetration with clitoral stimulation AT THE SAME TIME. It's best for the woman to do her own clitoris as our lovers have no idea what we are feeling....slower, faster, firmer, softer remains a mystery to them. Take control of your primary sex organ for pleasure THE Clitoris and forget about those damn vaginal O's that in my mind, turn out to be less delicious than when I control my clit stim while lover boy does a nice slow fuck. I repeat: Vaginal Orgasms are about men wanting us to come from their damn penises. I say fuck Freud and the horse he rode in on during the most repressed period of human history....the Victorian Age.

So you can stop obsessing and fussing over the past and be thankful for what you have now. My best sex began in my forties and peaked in my seventies. During my twenties it was the absolute worst. So don't jump to conclusions and don't believe anything you read and half of what you see. Start a regular practice of selfloving and let your masturbation orgasms calm your mind. Pleasure is the best healer.

Dr. Betty