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Hello Dr. Betty,

As the subject stated we are considering playing with others. I am the male in the relationship, and could use some advice.

First off, we have been together for nearly 9 years and have always been very close. I quickly had to tackle my jealousy issues as she has many male friends and I have always supported her and trusted her. She has been fine with me and female friends, and in fact was fine with me living with one of my old crush's for a few months due to work.

As we became more familiar with each other the idea of threesomes and swapping became appealing due to the variety of partners and the thought of being able to share ideas/tips and such- not to mention enacting our fantasies. Personally I love the thought of casual sex with friends these days, and she talks about it fondly as well at times.

Now as we continue to role play during sex it has become obvious that she has major reservations with any fantasy that involves me and another woman. For some time I've enjoyed the thought of her and other men, and even fantasies that involve a group of men; however I am starting to feel the weight of the double standard. I don't want to rush the act, however it has been over a year and this double standard is a challenge for us.

Any advice you can offer is greatly appreciated!

Dear C,

This is a role reversal. Usually it's the guy who can't handle the idea of sharing his partner. After 9 years together and she still doesn't trust you is a serious problem for her to deal with. How she does this is another story. However she should know that if she continues to hold out, you will most likely end up cheating on her. I can't even recommend she seek counseling as the field is populated with rather conservative views

Looking back to my youth, I remember I too was jealous of my lover having sex with other women. But intellectually I knew it was wrong if we were to open up our relationship. What helped me was having several threesomes and finally group sex.

The "thought" of him with another woman was quite different than actually "seeing" him with one. We were at a sex party and he was going down on a gorgeous redhead. It was actually a beautiful sight and I knew how good he was at sucking a pussy. I ended up joining them and pulled alongside of her. We were kissing when she came and it all seemed so natural. Each time he had sex with another woman, he said it only made him appreciate me all the more. Since you are still at the stage of only talking about it, I say it's time for some action.

Perhaps some kind of sexual retreat where both of you can experiment with multiple partners within view of each other would help. You can go online and investigate what's available.Let me know what happens as more and more couples are considering the Poly alternative which I wholeheartedly support. Long term monogamy only makes liars of one or both partners.

Dr. Betty