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Dearest Betty,

First of all thank you (and Carlin) for making it your business to educate the rest of us! I find your website a resourceful, inspirational, intelligent place to come back to over and over again. I have learned soooo much from it!

I am one of those women who has difficulty cuming while with my partner having sex. On my own (and from reading your articles) I have figured out this is possibly due to the fact that I have been masturbating on my own in one way most of my 44 years (by rubbing my clit against something like a counter etc) and it is hard to reproduce that with another person.

Sporadically I can do it while lying on top of my partner but it is just not the same thing, the orgasm is more difficult to achieve as the pressure is different on the clit.

I have more recently discovered the incredible joys of using a vibrator while I masturbate and as you have always suggested, my orgasms are easier to achieve and much much stronger. Now...how to transfer that experience while with a partner is the next step!!! Am not sure how yet though... (I would LOVE to be able to come if my guy was just fingering me or tonguing me. And I know I just have to recondition myself on a physical level to get more of a response by touching my clit in a way that I am not used to at the moment.

I would like to start by being able to at least masturbate in front of my guy with out feeling so damn shy about it (apart from using the vibrator during sex)! He would love it too...but the couple of times I did try it seemed like I just couldn't build up to orgasm. I got caught up with worrying it was taking me too long and I was too aware of his presence, him (gently) watching me...Any suggestions? Also, what is your opinion about women with very prominent clitoral hoods (I am one ) getting it removed or partially to achieve better orgasms?

Or what about the vertical clitoral hood piercing, often done to orgasm more quickly? I got one done by the way not too long ago. I think it looks very sexy but don't know about making it easier to cum...hmmm....

I know what I have written is packed with several questions here...but hopefully they will be of help to others out there as well??? Thank you ahead of time Betty for any advice you might be able to give me, very much appreciated!!! Hope to hear from you.....

Warmly,

D

Dear D,

I've talked a lot about how to upgrade your masturbation for women still using their childhood patterns. Put "masturbation technique" into the search box and read away.

At 44 with your long term childhood masturbation technique, my suggestion is to learn how to incorporate the vibrator into your partnersex. Very few women can make a transition to MUCH softer touching. Not after all those years of hard edges. Oral sex is nice for sex play but not for coming. My book "Orgasms for Two" deals with how to incorporate a vibrator into partnersex. Very soon our new sexual skill series will also show how to incorporate different sex toys while having sex with a lover.

Tell him how you feel about taking so long and he'll convince you it's okay. Ask him to go first while you watch. Or start of masturbating together while watching each other. And under NO circumstances allow any part of your clitoris or any other part of your vulva near a sugeon's knife. As I recall, my forties were some of my best sexual years. Now enjoy yourself.
Just slow down with adding new things for now. Practice sharing your orgasms with your new boyfriend. That's your best bet for now. Be sure to check out our new Mystic Wand vibrator. She's a sweetheart.