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Dear Dr Betty,

I'm a 24 year old male and I have been using pornography and masturbating since I was 13 or 14. It never occurred to me that it was a problem until recently, when a friend sent me a link to this video:

Since watching this and doing some further reading on yourbrainonporn.com it appears the science is undeniable and I do indeed have a pornography addiction. I think it could well be contributing to several other issues in my life. I suffer from some degree of social anxiety, low self esteem, and at the age of 24 have never had a girlfriend. I lost my virginity a year ago and was unable to reach orgasm from sex. I believe this was caused at least in part by years of masturbation using the "death grip" causing desensitisation of my penis.

The solution according to these websites and online communities seems to be to completely renounce the use of pornography and masturbation. They say all masturbation and porn is bad. Obviously I need to make some kind of change, but I'm really struggling with this notion of complete abstinence. It may work for some but it seems so puritanical and just not very practical to me.

I enjoy masturbation and I like porn, and I don't want to go down a path that leads to me feeling guilty and disgusted with myself every time I use porn and masturbate.  Do you think there is a healthy way to keep masturbation, and to a lesser extent, porn in my life? From what I understand, the issue is not with porn itself, but with the endless variety and novelty the internet provides.

My plan at this point is to cut pornography out completely, at least for now, and focus on turning my masturbation from the self abuse it has become, back to self loving. I will purchase something like a fleshlight in order to eliminate the death grip, and use fantasy and erotic fiction as stimulation, rather than pornography. Do you think this will work? If so, do you think there will be any room to reintroduce porn, in a healthy way?

Thanks for your help Dr Betty, and for providing this excellent resource,
J

Dear J,

Yes, you are on the right track BUT don't stop pleasuring yourself with a healthier kind of masturbation. Your plan "to cut pornography out completely, at least for now, and focus on turning my masturbation from the self abuse it has become, back to self loving" is a good one. Follow through and stay with it.

However, I believe that any addiction will require TOTAL abstinence which means no hardcore porn for now. In ten years maybe, but not now! It's like breaking any addiction: Just one drink or one cigarette or one visit to a porn site will lead to more eventually. Any 12 step program would say that one viewing is too many and 1000 views are not enough.

Using your own imagination is far superior as all fantasy is at the heart of the creative process that can lead to drawing, writing, building, etc. Start to imagine a relationship of your dreams while adding your orgasm energy to it and loving your penis using the Fleshlight as well as your hand. Masturbation can also help you to develop "come control" so you can last longer during partnersex.

The Ted Talk was excellent. You are well on your way to recovery. I foresee a much happier Orgasmic New Year coming up. Congratulations!