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Hi Dr. Betty,

I started having sex when I was 17 and it was always an extremely stressful and painful experience for me. I went on to have painful sex for a year until I found an amazing physiotherapist who diagnosed me with vaginismus. With her help I was able to overcome my vaginismus and experience full and non painful penetration. Even though now it may not be painful, it certainly does not feel good. It doesn't feel like anything! I have never been able to have an orgasm and I have zero sex drive. I remember that before I began trying to have sex when I was 17 I was able to get turned on (never could reach orgasm though)

When I started having sex and it was extremely painful, I spent an entire year stressing out and developed a great deal of anxiety towards sex. I am so worried that this has damaged my ability to truly enjoy sex and develop a sexual appetite. Do you have any advice for me? I have tried masturbating and it does not feel like anything!

Dear D,

The big problem with our understanding of human sexuality is that when we say "sex" everyone automatically assumes it's a penis thrusting inside a vagina. Actually that's procreation sex only. Yes it's the last one that should be on a beginners menu BUT it's the main one most guys start with. After all, Mother Nature wants us to make more babies even if we are over populated, too young and have no way to care for an offspring.

Now add to that an entire year of painful intercourse with no background of masturbation which is the only way to understand your own pattern of arousal, and it's no wonder you are lost. Intercourse is the last way most women can have an orgasm but it nearly always works for men. Right now you are just a "fuck doll" for some guy that doesn't understand female sexuality just like you don't either.

I suggest you stop doing penetration sex for now. You need to focus on masturbation and learning what feels good when you touch yourself. This should have been happening from early childhood onward. We know now that sonograms of unborn babies show them touching their genitals. As a small child you must have been discouraged or threatened or punished for touching yourself "down there" and that's the beginning of sexual repression.

The way to reverse that is to learn how to give yourself an orgasm so you can guide a future partner on how to please you. See masturbation as a healing sexual meditation to discover your clitoris and how to enjoy orgasms alone. It doesn't happen over night so be patient. Sex is like any other art form or skill that takes knowledge and practice. Now it the time to do this. Then in a few weeks or months get back to me with your good news.

Dr. Betty