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Hi Betty,

I've recently started exploring your site and I want to thank you for creating such an open community. I wasn't raised to talk or even think about sex (not that my parents were strict or very religious--it just wasn't something anyone in my family ever discussed, and my parents are not openly affectionate with each other), and so I feel like I'm a little behind in terms of fully accepting myself as a sexual person who enjoys intimacy. But I'm working on it, I really am, and your site is helping me.

What I'm struggling with currently is how self-conscious I feel about the amount of time it takes me to reach orgasm, specifically through oral sex. This has for a long time been the easiest/only way I can come, but I've been having a hard time recently because I feel like my boyfriend gets impatient. In the past, I've been blessed to have dated guys who LOVED going down on women, and who wanted to keep going even if I wasn't necessarily in the mood. I never felt bad about asking for more, because the guys usually initiated it and seemed dedicated to exploring what different techniques would work.

But my current boyfriend is different. He'll spend about ten seconds playing with my nipples, half a minute fingering me, and then if he goes down on me, it's usually only until he can't stand the excitement anymore, at which point he jumps on top of me (or asks me to jump on top of him).

The thing is, I can't guarantee that if he keeps going, I'll definitely have an orgasm (you know that sort of "don't stop, I'm almost there" talk that can be used to motivate your partner) and I feel bad asking him to keep going if he's not going to ultimately get me off, which is what he really wants. Sometimes it takes a reallllly long time for me. My body seems to like having lots of little peaks and ebbs before orgasm happens.

So two questions: 1. Is this long orgasm time normal or am I some kind of magical orgasm unicorn? and 2. How do I put myself first and soothe his ego at the same time?

He knows I'm not an incredibly (or instantly) orgasmic person, and that I'm one who likes a lot of foreplay, but I almost feel like my telling him those things have let him off the hook a little bit. Now if I don't orgasm in the first five minutes or so, he assumes it's not going to happen at all and just gives up. And I've giving up too. I don't want him to resent me for asking for more, and I want him to just want to give it to me without my having to ask. But I don't think that's a realistic possibility, so I need to learn how to properly ask and not feel bad about it, and I need your help.

Thanks so much,

N

Dear N,

Once again I hear how women suffer sexually because society still uses the male model of sex for women! No, no, no! We operate quite differently. I too went through the awkward phase of trying to come more quickly to match one lover's timing of 12 minutes. I actually set an egg timer and tried to masturbate to orgasm in that length of time and after succeeding once, I stopped! What the hell was I doing I finally asked myself? Why would I want to hurry up and come to match him when the building up felt so good? How come he can't slow down to accommodate me? Finally we reached a solution which was seeing fucking as foreplay. Then he would go down on me and I'd have my orgasm. Of course that requires a man who isn't fearful of his own semen which I believe is rare.

Your lover sounds quite selfish. He should know that it takes a woman 30 minutes to an hour to enjoy an orgasm. Personally I ended up preferring to continue clitoral stimulation with one of my vibrators after most lovers fell over exhausted. Women are capable of sustaining sexual activity for hours. Every now and then I'd find a man who loved it and they were precious. Once a woman puts herself first and has authentic orgasms, any smart man will adore her.

Dr. Betty