My Boyfriend Doesn't Treat Me as an Equal in the Bedroom?

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Betty Dodson

Dear Betty (and Carlin!)

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a year now. I love him very much and one of the things he loves about me is that I am a proud feminist who is happy to be forthright with opinion and C

However, there is trouble in Denmark. For a number of reasons, partly my low self esteem and initial inexperience and subsequent ignorance about all matters sexual, partly his early ejaculation problem and embarrassment about this, our sex life is one based on the satisfaction of him first, and me as a consequence. He has never given me an orgasm and the number of times he has gone down on me could be counted on one hand.

My question is this: how can I address this issue with him in a constructive way? He is a loving person but prudish when it comes to verbalizing sexual matters. It is as though we have gone so far down this road that to ask for change would be to undermine all of our sexual encounters in the past: something which would hurt him. Having recognized this problem of ours, I have no intention of 'tip-toeing around a male sexual ego' but at the same time I don't want to have a conversation about it with him if it is going to be to the detriment of our relationship. Essentially, how can I effectively explain to him that in the bedroom he doesn't treat me as an equal?

Please help!

Huge thanks, C

Dear C,

A year of giving him orgasms and not one for you? While you claim to be "a proud feminist who is happy to be forthright with opinion and speak up for women on all matters of gender inequality" what about sexual equality? Yours in particular?

The best way to handle this is to start the conversation outside the bedroom. Begin by telling him a couple of things he does during sex that you really enjoy. Then say that it would make you very happy if the two of you could figure a way to include your orgasms into lovemaking more consistently. According to his response, like he says "what would you like me to do?" That's when you say you would love it if he would give you manual and oral sex. If he says he doesn't know how, you suggest sharing masturbation. That way both of you can observe how you each handle your sex organs. It's the best sex ed available. To see is to know. Next you get him to go on our website and search for essays about "Learning ejaculatory control." Or you can do it and send him the link.

I'd say if none of this works, forget about "I love him very much" and move along. Honestly after a year if hasn't noticed your lack of orgasm, I'd say he's not worth keeping around. Women are a bit crazy when it comes to declaring we "love" some selfish dude who takes and doesn't give.

Dr. Betty

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