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Dear Dr. Betty,

Thank you so much for all you do for sexual education and female emancipation. I am so impressed with the body of work you have created, both in art and sexual health.

I'm a 30-year-old woman with primary vaginismus, and have attempted penetrative sex numerous times, with myself and with a partner, but after trying so many times, it's still a challenge. Of course, I have watched yours and Carlin's video on vaginismus, and have read all the literature I could find on the topic.

I use extra lubrication, both oil and water-based, and have also experimented with an egg shaped vibrator for the past year or so.It used to be that infamous 'brick wall', and now I can fit the egg half way.

What bothers me the most, is that, the more aroused I get, the more I tighten up. My whole body relaxes, but the pelvic floor muscles do the exact opposite. How is that possible?

I have no shame or guilt issues, at least none that I am conscious of. A few times while attempting partner sex - and failing - I have burst into tears of rage.

I feel that there is a stigma around vaginismus that women who have it don't want sex, which greatly upsets me. I am as sexual and orgasmic as any 'normal' woman. It's just that my body won't obey my head, and I can't seem to figure out why.

Any advice or guidance would be very welcome. I really want to conquer this.

Warmest regards,
S

Dear S,

My first thought will sound like a broken record. Spend more time enjoying clitoral stimulation to orgasm after orgasm with masturbation. Take a long vacation from trying to accomplish vaginal penetration. Give it a rest.

After all, the clitoris is our primary organ for sexual pleasure and while the vagina is every man's dreamy preference for stimulation, it's not how most women can orgasm. Most sensible guys will be happy with quality manual or oral sex. So while you are healing, hone up on your outer-course skills

Meanwhile during your many masturbation sessions, imagine bigger and fatter dicks and dildos gliding in and out of your wet welcoming vagina while you stimulate your clitoris with a stronger vibrator like the Eroscillator or the Magic Wand rechargeable (cordless is delightful). When you reach peak excitement, use the end of my Vagina Barbell to play just at the opening of your vagina. Stay there. Don't try to go inside while you continue your clit stim with a hot fantasy. Every orgasm will be conditioning your body through pleasure instead of suffering repeated failures with penetration.

Then at the end of each selfloving sessions, get down on the floor and squat. Similar to how women washed clothes on the edge of a river. That position stretches tight pelvic floor muscles. We've all been told to squeeze and release the PC muscle with our Kegel exercises but rarely mentioned is how how to stretch and release those same muscles.

We had a post recently from a woman who healed her tight vagina. Also there are other comments on our website. The "Squats" come from a website Katysays.com. She understands the mechanics of our bodies and I highly recommend her. Also many pelvic floor therapists are doing wonders in helping women to understand these important muscles.

Get back to us and describe your success story with how you healed yourself by masturbating with penetration fantasies. How you began and ended each orgasmic session with a nice long squat to stretch your pelvic floor muscle. Pleasure is healing! Or healing through pleasure!

Dr. Betty