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Hello Dr. Betty,

I'm a 30 year old man, and have been with my girlfriend for 9 months now. From the very beginning, and up until very recently, we have had the most amazing, uninhibited and intense sex together. There has been nothing wrong, no problems, and we both concur that what's between us (in everything, and certainly in bed) is something absolutely amazing. And then we moved in together.

We both lead very high stress lives, with very packed schedules. We're adjusting to living together, which is in itself a stressor; though more often pleasant than not. Recently, I've had trouble... er... standing at attention. I've never had this problem, least of all with her. I have observed the physical and mental chain that leads to this, and think that I understand it rather well.

She is very afraid that living together is going to change our sex lives, that the passionate part of our relationship will fade. Sex is very important to her as it is to me. I did not think this would be a concern or issue, though I believe her doubts have started to spill over onto me. It started one time when I didn't quite arise as quickly as usual, though I was well on my way. Then came this chorus of doubts in my mind that maybe I wouldn't, which, of course, brought on more stress; and killed the moment. I did my best to explain to her that it's not by any means her being unattractive, nor my losing interest; but that I started to worry about HER worries.

Things became okay for a moment, but of course this reinforced worry on my part came up again. It's always at times that I know that I'm expected to. When it's spontaneous, the dysfunction doesn't occur, and we are right where we were previously. I only get this when I'm under some pressure to... suddenly I start thinking and worrying about another night of her closed off, in the other room, worrying about it. I start mentally seeking any sensation of hardening. This takes focus away from what I *SHOULD* be focusing on, being her, and what we're doing. This kills it, and the effect of these failed attempts is traumatic for both her and myself.

I don't have insurance, nor the time for counseling. My relationship may be in danger. I know that more often than not that these cases are temporary, and that it really is just about weathering the storm until this eases up, and that we're both in very stressful parts of our lives. I don't know how to talk to her about this, as she closes off completely, feeling unwanted. I don't want to HAVE to be having these conversations. I know there isn't a quick-fix or magic mantra to solve this, though I was wondering how common my situation is, and if there is anything reassuring that you may have to say about it.

Thank you,
Flaccid and Frustrated

Dear T,

My Darling Man, what you are describing is called "marriage" so first let me say, "Welcome to the club." My therapist advised me to stop thinking about sex so much. Just relax. She said everyone went through a period of sexual adjustment the first year of marriage. Only problem with her assessment was our"adjustment" lasted for 7 years until we got divorced. But the sexual exchange with my husband was troubled from the beginning. Yours is hot and orgasmic so it's not the same thing now is it? So I'm going to advise you to stop thinking so much. Your fear of not getting hard has become a self-fulling prophecy. Give it up!

Start your love making differently with manual or oral sex. Or lie down side by side and pleasure yourselves until you can get off the hard cock in the hole scenario. Get a dildo similar in size to your dick and use it while your own peter makes up his mind. Stop judging your worth by the hardness of your dick. You have to break this pattern that has both of you in it's grip. You are both thinking you're only as good as your last fabulous fuck.

Communicate with your partner. Ask her what she'd like to do while your penis makes up his mind as to whether or not he wants to perform at that moment. She must stop measuring her sex appeal based on your erection. That's infantile on her part. I'll guarantee you this: if she went down on you and put her finger up your butt Mr. Penis would respond. Sex is not just penis/vagina sex. That's procreation. Now that you are living together bring in the recreational part. Time to invest in some sex toys and sexual skill videos. Spend some time on our website. Then donate to dodsonandross for all the free counseling you just got.

Dr. Betty