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Hello Betty,

Thank you so much for your help here. It is such a great site for promoting the importance of sexual health and liberation.

I am a 23 year old lesbian. I just recently started having sex with my partner. I am in love with her, so there's no doubt that there is an emotional connection. I had one sexual partner before and we did not have the communication and connection my current partner and I have now. The sex with my previous partner was not good, I was nervous all the time and was worried about her image of me. I can't orgasm with either of them. I have been watching porn since 10 years ago and started masturbating with porn about 6 years ago. I can basically make myself cum every time with porn or erotic literature while rubbing my clit. I have tried masturbating without porn to see what happens and I have not had any results from that.

I have read through a few articles you wrote that it's possible for me to not know that was orgasm. There were a few times where I felt very close to the release but I just could not cum the way I make myself cum with porn. I am not sure if the heightened feelings I got with my partner were orgasms. My partner gets upset because she feels like it's her fault that she can't make me cum but I've told her over and over again that I am having the time of my life either way. It is true, I constantly want to fuck and I enjoy the experience no matter what.

Am I addicted to porn? I understand that I need to cut the porn and just rebuild my mind but it is so difficult to do so cause I almost masturbate once a day. And actually, ever since I started having sex with my current partner, it is getting harder for me to get off even with porn. Is it possible that it is my mindset switching to loving partner sex instead of the quick porn masturbation satisfaction?

I also have another problem which is when my partner fucks me and then we switch and I fuck her and then we switch back, I can't even really get the heightened feelings anymore. She is doing everything correctly, I tell her how and where I like it and she does it but it still doesn't stimulate me sometimes. And then after a while, I start thinking why I can't cum and then I know it's over and we have to stop.

I love sex but it is so difficult sometimes when my current inability to orgasm affects my partner more than it affects me and I have to comfort her every time after that it's not her fault. We've agreed that we will never discuss this ever again cause it only wears us out. But I want to orgasm for her and me.

Thank you so much,
S

Dear S,

You are way too much into your head and not your body. Stop masturbating every day and let some sex energy build up. I'm also pretty sure those porn orgasms were all quickies. Back to basics. Revisit my info on masturbation skills that I'll post at the end.

You must have a conversation with your partner to separate your orgasms. She is acting out the insecure man who feels he MUST give his partner an orgasms to prove he's a man! She must stop! Both of you need to discuss this in detail that you are each responsible for your own orgasms. They are NOT a gift from either one of you. I suggest you back off and stop having partnersex until you sort this out otherwise you are just digging the trench of a bad habit deeper.

How about sharing masturbation lying side by side for a while? Separate your orgasms from each other to end a double drowning based on dreary romantic love stories. Cmon, sex is about having pleasure not proving that you're good in bed or that you are really "in love." How about some humor, some fun, some experimentation?

Dr. Betty