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I was 18 the first time I got pregnant.  Raised in a Christian Fundamentalist family and taught at home, I was simply paralyzed during sex.  I had condoms in my bag but I couldn't get the words "I'm not on birth control you need to suit up" out of my mouth. That's the problem with raising girls to be passive sexually: they can't communicate about birth control, what they want, or how they orgasm. 

I rolled the dice and I lost.  Oh, and when I went into the clinic on abortion day one of my mother's friends was protesting outside and told my mom all about it.  Suffice it to say I suffered....hard. 

After my first abortion, I went straight on the pill.  The light periods were great and I liked not having to worry about getting pregnant again.  It was much easier to orgasm knowing that I had nothing to fear.  No wonder so many women don't orgasm during sex.  You're too busy worrying about getting knocked up to enjoy yourself. 

After my divorce, I went off the pill.  I wasn't having that much sex and none of my married girlfriends could get pregnant.  I was 30 years old and figured I was borderline infertile (I'm not saying it was logical but it made sense at the time).  Fearing the reality of a real relationship, I started dating a married man.  We had sex...lots of sex...hot sex...kinky sex.  We used the rhythm method and low and behold I was pregnant again. 

Sitting in a hospital gown waiting with a bunch of 18 year olds at the clinic for your second abortion - post-30 - is sobering.   The sense of failure is overwhelming.  You feel like a big, fat fucking asshole.  I knew two things: that I wasn't going to give birth to a bastard and I was going right back on the pill.  If I had learned one thing, it was that I was super fertile and needed maximum protection.  That lasted for 5 years.  I went off the pill again at 35, got pregnant with a condom, had another abortion, and ran right back to the pill. 

I've been on the pill on and off for the better part of 20 years.  That's a long time.  I do have ovarian cysts so there is some medical advantage but I think deep down I stayed on the pill because I'm scared of my sexual self.  My libido on the pill is in overdrive.  What would it be like if my body wasn't fooled into thinking it was pregnant with a big monthly dose of progesterone?  I haven't known the real sexual me in two decades.  It's time I got to know her again. 

I guess the real reason I'm going off the pill - besides Betty's daily chidings - is that I want to get back to me.  I want to have real periods again...soak through tampons...and free bleed.  I want to feel my pussy change from day to day - see how the secretions vary.  I want to feel my fertility even if I'm not choosing to become a mother.  I want to feel tied to the earth and the moon and the tides.  I want to be part of nature again.

My diaphragm-fitting appointment is March 7.  I plan on blogging about my experience - the pros, the cons, the changes.  Here goes nothing *fingers-crossed*