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Hello dr. Betty,

So first I will explain a little bit of my background story to help you understand my situation better. I am 27 years old, and I’ve been with my only boyfriend (very recently my now husband) since we were both 17. We decided to wait until marriage to have intercourse...we grew up with christian beliefs and I have a very strong mother. I believed it was the best thing to do so we married virgins.

Anyways, we fooled and did sexual things often... (blow jobs, nipple stimulation, dry humping, etc etc.) he came most of the time when we did this stuff, and I experienced something I can’t explain what it is. I often felt an instinct to squeeze my legs together or ride his leg and press it against my vagina and I felt an arousal that kept escalating... and then something I would describe as subtle “waves of pleasure” down there that made me kind of disconnect from reality a little bit just for a few seconds and felt very good ... something like a relief and after it was over, I didn’t feel the need to continue doing sexual stuff necessarily... it’s like a sexual relief.... (I’ve experienced this frequently during all these years)

I never thought this could be an orgasm because its a very good but mild pleasurable feeling...nothing like the movies and I thought to myself this can’t be it... I felt nothing so WOW as people say... so I always thought “this is nothing probably”... just “a very good feeling” that I get when we fool around and I squeeze my legs together.

Another thing is that when I was 20, I had a depression and anxiety episode that got really bad and I had to be medicated. I took paxil and alprazolam for about 1 year and a half or two. I gained a lot of weight and also wanted to get off the meds, so I got off them.... and I am paxil free for about 5 years now.

I still continued drinking alprazolam only in “SOS” moments when I had anxiety episodes or rough patches until now...but nothing consistent and I talked to the doctor and she said it was fine because of my responsible use...also not developing any kind addiction. I decided to get off those completely too to be completely meds free and specially after I learned they could affect my orgasms.

I got married almost 2 months ago and started having intercourse. We are both very inexperienced and we are both learning with each other everything. I enjoy sex very much and I feel desire to engage in it. I have never masturbated before (I was not interested and thought it was weird) and recently started after reading your page and seeing how healthy it actually is to know your own body.

I have never used a vibrator, and have not been able to reach climax through intercourse or clit stimulation just yet. (Not even sure if I’ve had one at all or will). I just don’t know if we still haven’t found our rhythm... haven’t practiced enough, tried different stuff, know my own body enough, or if I might be affected temporarily or permanently by the meds I used to take and I’m very worried about this.

I still experience these mild “pleasure waves” when I squeeze my legs during our sexual encounters sometimes... I just don’t know what they are and If I will be able to have orgasms sometime in the future. It’s important to point out that my husband and I have the best communication ever, he is my best friend and most patient and loving partner ever so relationship problems are out of the picture.

Thank you so much.

L

Dear L,

It's good you are off the meds. I think this is just a problem with your mind interfering with orgasms. 'Those "pleasure waves" are either orgasms that you are not acknowledging or you are building up to one.

Don't "think" so much. Just feel. Your good relationship counts for a lot. Try to stop "thinking" and instead just "feeling" and keep on keeping on. And even along with your loving husband, a dirty fantasy can heat things up a lot.

Allow yourself to turn your imagination to fantasizing. It helps to not be so focused on ourselves.

Dr Betty