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Hi Betty,

My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers. As a result he is the only partner i have ever had. We are now on our 13th year of being together. We began having sex early in our relationship and we have learned together about what we like and don't like. I have a question though that I have always wondered about.

Sometimes if it's been a while since we have had sex he will come a little early. I am fine with this but I was wondering what is the average length of time between a man ejaculating and then being able to get hard again? I am often still ready to go and sometimes he will be able to rise to the occasion within 15 mins or so but then he doesn't get quite as hard as the first time or while pumping in and out on the second time he will get too sensitive. Frequently, this will leave me unsatisfied. Oral sex is awesome but sometimes I just want the good old fashion banging and I don't find vibrators or dildos a good substitute. He is my perfect fit. Do you have any advice or suggestions? Thank you.

Dear B,

It is said that the refractory period after a man ejaculates is around 15 to 30 minutes. However, men who practice Tantra can hold back ejaculation and remain hard for a long time. He could practice this type of sexual meditation, but frankly, I find the amount of time it would take to be a bit daunting. Several possibilities come to mind. You could get a head start by masturbating yourself before you have intercourse. Call him in when you feel you are close to coming and then go ahead and orgasm but then you can keep going. This was one of my favorites. It takes us so much longer to really get into our deeper sexual selves that i don't recommend timing our orgasms to most men's hard time.

The other solution is to stop being so picky and give him a break. Let him use a dildo that's similar in size to his penis. Really it's quite sexy cause he's still there in body and spirit and a good quality silicone dildo feels like the real thing. Of course, if you bring in a girlfriend via a threesome, your hubby will rise to the occasion. Nothing like a new pussy to get a man hard! Just a fact of life that has nothing to do with how much he loves you. However if you're the jealous type forget it. I do not recommend putting that kind of pressure on a partners hardon to finish off all of your orgasms. If you're still turned and he's gone soft, just masturbate while he holds you in his arms or send him off to the bathroom for a shower while you finish yourself off.

Dr. Betty