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Hello Dr. Betty,

Before I ask my question, I would like to thank both you and Carlin very deeply for changing a lot of my attitudes on sex, and making it a little less scary and confusing for women like me. I hope you have many more years of doing such a good service to people all around the world.

Anyway, how do you start to feel comfortable around men? For a long time I read rape statistics and became very afraid of men, which I hid behind anger, especially in High School. Yet I was horny (of course), I masturbated fairly regularly (still do) and I hoped I would have that boyfriend who would completely change my views on men. I know, it was too much to ask.

Since then I have started to confront this fear step-by-step, by being open to crushes and going to parties, something my younger self would have never done. But I am still irrationally afraid of men and first-time sex. I have deviated so far away from the fairy-tale version of it that I have left no room for me to imagine enjoying it with another person, especially one I like. Any and all advice is accepted, and have a wonderful New Year.

Much Love,

E

Dear E,

Yes, one of the negative fall outs from the 80's during America's obsession with "kiddie porn" and "rape" plus all forms of sexual abuse have left many young women fearful of men. Carlin and I once discussed the advantage of growing up with brothers and learning to stand our ground (without carrying a gun).

Back in the seventies, my buddy Sheila and I took a martial arts class which further demystified men's power. They were terrified of getting kicked in the balls. We also discovered our endurance was superior to theirs. I think young girls today would benefit from taking some form of self-defense to give a feeling that she does have a chance to fight back if need be. The best thing I learned in my martial arts class was to first avoid conflict if at all possible

As for first time sex, hopefully it will happen when you meet some sweet kid you really like and spend some time with so you begin to feel trust. Just remember the first TRUST we must develop is to trust ourselves, our feelings and intuition. I trust you are a smart girl who's on the right path.

Happy New Year.

Dr. Betty