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Dear Dr. Betty,

First of all, thank you so much for everything you do! This website has helped me so much in liberating myself from society's norms and expectations in terms of my sexuality and needs, though it's still a challenge sometimes. My favorite part in this adventure was buying myself a wand. (Giggle!)

In order to find sexual satisfaction, I had to go outside my marriage. My soon-to-be ex-husband is too selfish and insecure in bed so I'm moving on.

I found a man that is open sexually to my fantasies and truly excites me. My body comes alive when I'm with him. But I'm in unchartered territory and I need your help please:

1) My lover and I do light BDSM and I love submitting to him, especially when he spanks me. I enjoy it so much! Unlike my husband, my lover doesn't think I'm disgusting for enjoying it. However, my question is about reciprocating and fulfilling his fantasy of having a threesome with another woman. I'm nervous. I feel possessive. I know I should just give it a try, to please him...but I'm hesitating. Not sure what to do,

2) This man by the way is married. And never intends to leave his wife. I don't expect him to leave her for me. That's not a realistic expectation and he's always been upfront with me that he doesn't want to change his situation. He's kind and caring, but often leaves me in the lurch unable to email or call or just meet for coffee. So we're left with the rare tryst with frantic, but very satisfying, lovemaking. Problem: I feel like I'm falling in love with him. Big problem. Stupid girly romantacising upbringing, but it's too hard to resist after a lifetime of programming.

So... Do I arrange a threesome? How? What are good rules so I can enjoy it too, even if I'm not into women? And what do I do to stop falling in love with this amazing lover?

Thanks so much!
A

Dear A,

It all sounds good except for the "falling into love crap" which will ruin a good sexual connection every time. First comes possessiveness. That's followed by jealousy. Then comes anger and resentment. Best case scenario would be for you to get a second "best lover." Maybe three. That will break your focus on him as number ONE.

Also don't forget who number ONE really is.....YOU! Now go have sex with another guy and yes, try a threesome or foursome or moresome. Just play safe which means putting yourself first.

Dr. Betty