Articles

Hi Dr. Betty!

I met an older woman at work that I found extremely attractive. We have a 36 year age difference between us. For about six months, I didn't know if she was a lesbian or married, so I would do little things for her (like bring her coffee, buy her lunch, and give her little practical gifts) to show her that I was interested. At one point, she mentioned her husband and I felt crushed finding out that she was married. Up until fairly recently, she and I started talking and her true feelings came out. Apparently, she has always been interested in women, but never pursued a relationship with one.

We've been seeing each other for about two months now and it has been amazing! We haven't had sex yet but she really wants to, I want to as well, but have been hesitant. I suppose I fear that she might fulfill that sexual desire she has for women and go back to her life with her husband and son (who is a few months older than myself). A part of me also feels like we could share a life together. Despite of the age difference, we share many commonalities and have an amazing connection. She has also mentioned that she would leave her husband for me, but I haven't weighed in on that topic because I don't want to influence her in any way, I would want her to make that decision on her own. So my question(s) for you are:

(1) Could a 36 year age difference work?
(2) When would be the right time to have sex?
(3) Should I communicate my fear of being left high and dry once we have sex, to her?
(4) Would my lack of experience when it comes to sex clash with her more experienced self?
(5) She mentioned to me that she can be a jealous person and I've seen her jealousy come out when I would talk to other women or when I would be texting or on the phone. Since she is married and is seeing me, should I keep my options open and see other people? I really don't want to, but my sisters mentioned that it wasn't fair that she has a marriage and a relationship with me and I'm completely devoting myself to her. If I should keep my options open, how do I relate that to her?
(6) What is your opinion on all of this?

I've never been as happy as I am now with her. I've been searching the web on Lesbian May/December relationships, but haven't found anything helpful. I'm hoping you could help :)

Thank you,
J

Dear J,

What a wonderful time for you both. I had a delightful May//Dec relationship with a young man forty some years younger. It lasted 10 years as he became my apprentice. I taught him a lot about female sexuality and he turned me onto what was happening to twenty year old young men. Most of my love/sex interests have been with younger women and men so I think it's great!

(1) Could a 36 year age difference work?
Absolutely! My last age difference was 42years with me as the senior!

(2) When would be the right time to have sex?

ASAP. If it's no good then you can move along. Right now it's all romantic fantasies that have damn little to do with reality. Initiate sex NOW!

(3) Should I communicate my fear of being left high and dry once we have sex?

YES! To my way of thinking, the more straight forward and honest we are with our lovers the better it is for all concerned.

(4) Would my lack of experience when it comes to sex clash with her more experienced self?

Since she's a married woman, it might be that she's had very little sex experience that was orgasmic. So why assume her experiences were all positive?

(5) She mentioned to me that she can be a jealous person and I've seen her jealousy come out when I would talk to other women or when I would be texting or on the phone.

Jealousy is never a good thing. I believe it can be a BIG problem as it indicates the person is very insecure. Some people like to have a lover express jealousy as they mistake it for love. It is not a loving posture. So buyer beware.

Since she is married and is seeing me, should I keep my options open and see other people? I really don't want to, but my sisters mentioned that it wasn't fair that she has a marriage and a relationship with me and I'm completely devoting myself to her. If I should keep my options open, how do I relate that to her?

Absolutely! Your sister is correct. Keep your options open but don't make a big deal out of it. She'll get the picture the next time she wants to see you and you tell her that you have "other plans" or say you have a date. I highly recommend this. As for "making a life together" think about that after you've had sex a few times. Don't be a slave to love. No one really respects this as a rule. You are your first and best lover. Don't forget that.

Keep me posted and Good Luck,

Dr. Betty