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Hello Betty

This is very long but I wanted you to have the full story. I’m sorry. I’m 63 years of age and reasonably fit. I exercise regularly but probably eat and drink a bit too much. My wife began menopause in the mid 1990’s and unfortunately she had a terrible time over the next 4 or 5 years; we still had sex but less often.

Then, to make matters worse, in 1999, due to extreme business pressure, I began suffering severe anxiety attacks and was prescribed an anti-depressant which quickly rendered me impotent. I realised this wasn’t very satisfactory for my wife so I encouraged her to masturbate using her vibrator whenever she felt like it. I didn’t give up completely though and I regularly tried to masturbate but only with limited success. When I stopped using the drug though, my ability to get erections and ejaculate returned over some months.

After I recovered from my impotence I tried to resurrect our sex life. We had intercourse a few times but there was very little 'passion' involved. My wife has never liked extended foreplay (which I loved) and when we did make love she seemed as though she wanted to just get it over and done with. It was a mechanical response and I wasn’t happy about it. We seemed happy in all other areas of our relationship so I kept trying to rekindle some of the spark we used to have. Nothing worked even though I raised the issue quite a few times and tried to encourage her to “let go a bit.”

Even now, after 6 years she still won’t indulge in more than 2 or 3 minutes of foreplay before she wants me to penetrate her. She won’t even allow me to help her to orgasm with her vibrator before intercourse. I would prefer this because during intercourse I usually ejaculate (and always have done so) before she could have her orgasm. I realised this was an issue and that’s why I bought her first vibrator thirty years ago. Even from when we were first married and fucking like rabbits she hesitated at lengthy foreplay and really didn’t enjoy anything much more than regular intercourse.

These days though, this might be a typical scenario: I might wake in the morning feeling amorous; I cuddle up and make it obvious that I am ready to play. I most often get the response "I'm not really in the mood and I need to take the dog for a walk." When I would question why she was rarely 'in the mood' I usually get the same answer. "You always want to do it at the wrong time of day when I don’t feel like it." Now she is partly right because when I go to bed at night, I really do want to sleep and the days of my being horny late at night are beyond me. So when she gives me the “Wrong time of day” excuse I have ALWAYS said "Please let me know when you feel frisky and I will respond." Unfortunately that has never happened and I doubt it will. Certainly she now has other physical issues that make her life uncomfortable and I understand sex could be less than totally enjoyable, but that doesn’t answer the other years.

Now without intercourse, masturbation has become my regular form of sexual pleasure. I’m very comfortable with that because it’s something I’ve done all my life and I’ve become quite inventive with technique. I really enjoy pleasuring myself this way and up until the last couple of years I used to masturbate 4 or 5 times a week; I was pretty well always up for it. Recently though, I rarely become aroused like I used to and have resorted to using internet porn or the like to get myself aroused. I tend to do this behind her back and suffer mild guilt about being sneaky. Even then, I often begin masturbating without an erection and my cock only becomes reasonably erect just before I ejaculate. Occasionally I might even masturbate and ejaculate without a proper erection at all.

I have posted my issues on a few men’s health forums but I usually get the “talk to your wife about it” etc and I get the distinct impression they feel it’s my entire fault. (I’m sure I’m not blameless but I reckon I’ve done what I can to patch things up.) They usually suggest that masturbation is a solitary act and I should be sharing my sexual pleasure with my wife. There is nothing I would like more than to be able to enjoy long lovemaking or masturbation sessions with my wife but without a miracle I can’t see it happening.

The fact is, I am concerned with the decline in my libido and I really don’t want to lose the desire or ability to masturbate regularly because I enjoy it so much. It is such a delicate subject that I don’t know whether I can discuss it with my family doctor. I realise masturbation is pretty normal but I am concerned he will view it as a sign of immaturity on my part and consider me to be self indulgent. Maybe I am... I don’t know? The point is should I feel uncomfortable going to him and discussing these issues? Masturbation is such a personal thing and I’m quite worried about discussing it. Any help or suggestions would be appreciated.

T

Dear TM,

Yours is my most frequently asked question so you are not alone. Sexual incompatibility is just that: two people who do not agree on how, when, where and how often they want to do this, that, or the other. That's why masturbation is not only a sex saver but it probably reduces the crime rate with spouses knocking each other off.

My answer begins with the following observation. Unless your wife (or husband) wants to make changes, I can offer basically seven suggestions to deal with what you feel is lacking in your marital sex. Welcome to sexual reality instead of all the romantic crap we've all been fed. .

One: Accept her just the way she is and enjoy whatever sex you are having.
Two: Upgrade your masturbation with first rate porn and sex toys then have all the orgasms you want without any sexual guilt.
Three: Pay a visit to a massage parlor and enjoy a "Happy Ending."
Four: Go online and have cybersex anonymously.
Five: Hire a sex professional on occasion to avoid an extra marital affair if you want to stay married.
Six: Look for a good sex counselor in your area through aasect@worldnet.att.net or explore some of the adult sexuality workshops available today.
Seven: Get a dog who will love you unconditionally, cuddle with your day or night, greet you with joy consistently, lavish you with wet kisses, lick your balls and follow you wherever you go.

I feel your frustration. Lately I'm having trouble wanting to have sex with myself and I'm a professional masturbator. Hopefull this too shall pass, or not.

Dr. Betty